All has been quiet in terms of pre-Groundhog Day deaths trickling in, so it looks like Thanatos Therapeuticus will take this year's crown.
I would ask that you check your people at Who's Alive and Who's Dead? if you are close to winning and it's possible that one of your people died without any of us knowing about it...
On the 9th, barring any miracles, I will close up shop here permanently and move on to DW2K8.
--Grim
DW2K7ers,
Well, it's been a great year, insofar as death is concerned.
This is the time of year where I encourage each player to double-check each person on her list to make sure that nobody was missed.
Time is growing short, and if nothing changes in the next couple of days, Thanatos Therapeuticus will wrestle the 2007 crown away from defending 2006 champ Roger Mortis. The OFFICIAL results will not be posted for another week after the 2nd, as we wait for obscure deaths to be reported and for dead bodies to be found.
DeathWatch 2008 is up and running, with this year's rules posted for now, as we await everyone's new lists. Please go there and bookmark it!
In the past couple of weeks, we've had several deaths that we were too busy to post on--Suzanne Pleshette, Allan Melvin (who I actually have on my list), Suharto, Christian Brando, and others. We also had relatively rushed coverage on Heath Ledger, but hey, we probably weren't going to make fun of him anyway. Please accept our apologies for the loss of focus in recent weeks.
Thanks for playing in 2007, and we look forward to serving you with only the best death coverage in 2008!
--Grim
Actor Heath Ledger was found dead this afternoon in his Soho apartment. A masseuse knocked on the Brokeback Mountain actor's door for an appointment around 3:30 this afternoon and found him dead in his bedroom. Ledger was 28.
Police have not released any information about the cause of death, but a spokesman for the department has said they were seeking Jack Nicholson for questioning. Nicholson, said to be jealous of Ledger's casting as The Joker in the new Batman sequel, has been quoted in the press lately as saying he'd like to "shove 44 ounces of Smilex up that pretty boy's ass."
Official police spokesmen would neither confirm nor deny any Joker-related connection to Mr. Hedger's demise.
No DW2K7 player had the foresight to claim this young actor's points.
Brad Renfro, the 25-year-old actor who, as a youth, starred in such movies as The Client and Apt Pupil, died of undisclosed causes today.
Renfro, who had experienced numerous drug-related run-ins with the law in the last decade, is believed to have relapsed into drug abuse after an effort to stay clean.
If Renfro had worked enough to remain even slightly relevant over the past couple of years, a DW2K7er might have scored 75 whopping points of the little prick. Alas, his drug use kept him out of the public consciousness and his points go wasted.
It's official. As of December 12, Ike really won't hit Tina no more. Ike Turner, musician drug abuser, band leader alcoholic, talent scout abusive husband and father, and record producer convict, died at the age of 76.
Rumor has it that Turner fell ill, though not dangerously so, but in a cruel twist of fate, died from overexertion when he tried in vain to violently backhand his hospital-visiting ex-wife.
Ike "discovered" Tina in the early 1960's and started her inexplicable rise to stardom. I use quotes around "discovered," because meeting Tina had to have been the same type of "discovery" one has when one has forgotten to flush the toilet after a violent bowel movement, only to come back hours later to find his/her own decomposing feces waiting for him/her. Thanks a lot for finding Tina, Ike. And by "thanks a lot," I mean, "Go fuck yourself."
Rock-n-Roll Suicide scores his first ever DeathWatch points (24) with Ike's welcome passing. Congratulations, RnR -- welcome to the big board!
Evel Knievel passed away last week from complications of being a degenerate, drunk, Hepatitis C-ridden, faux-born-again one-trick-pony. When not busy miscalculating physics and grossly missing jumps (courtesy of a high school dropout's education,) the galactically stupid Knievel liked to drink, abuse women and/or children, vote members of the Bush family into public office, miss even MORE jumps, and overdose on painkillers.
While Knievel seemingly wasn't afraid of my grim touch, he appeared to be deathly afraid of how my boy, J.Christ, would view his seven decades of wasted life. Knowing death was coming soon, Evel was publicly "saved" in early 2007 on televangelist Robert H. Schuller's *cough* douche *cough* Hour of Power television program. I call bullshit. What a complete Nancy. So much for going out in a blaze of glory and leaving a pretty corpse.
Death By Creamy Liquid slurps down 31 points worth of marrow from the broken bones left from Knievel's crash landing into eternal Hell. Good riddance.
Actor Dick Wilson*, a.k.a. Charmin's anal-retentive, squeeze-o-phobic grocer, "Mr. Whipple," died last week at the age of 91. When not busy policing middle-aged women trying to cop a feel of his beloved toilet tissue, Wilson played forgettable parts in even more forgettable television shows. Wilson's character, Whipple, exhibited classic conservative Republican behavior in that he publicly railed against a particular behavior (in this case 'squeezing the Charmin') only to then particpate lustily in the forbidden frolic the moment nobody was looking. If only Whipple had known that while he was in there hugging his TP, he could have just tapped his foot under the stall divider...
Through the years, Wilson also did a recurring guest spot on Bewitched, which makes him the third dead alternate-lifestyles Dick from that show!
Nobody managed to 'squeeze' out the meager 9 points from his being 'wiped' out.
*Seriously, if I put a hyperlink in here, would ANYONE follow it?
"Entertainer" Robert Goulet has passed away at age 73. Acting coach and longtime friend Dr. Richard I. Chamberlain praised Goulet's new 'method' approach. "This time, he didn't ham it up as much as he usually does. In the past, he would crank out these excruciating death monologues. This time, the breathing tube really restricted him to something of a muted gurgle...very convincing...very 'noir.'"
The not-quite-French-Canadian baritone inexplicably became famous for his extremely limited acting and vocal ranges. Goulet's agent, Sheldon Krantz, speculated on Goulet's fame, "In those days, entertainment was filled with people who could actually sing and act. Hollywood really needed someone who could be a loud, over-the-top caricature all the time. America wanted someone who could act like a washed-up has-been before he had even 'been.' Robert provided all of those things...a talentless--yet arrogant--hack. I'll miss that bombastic shmuck."
Death will certainly interrupt Goulet's Halloween dark ritual of attempting to re-animate his career by consuming the souls of gifted actors and vocalists.
Spookily-named actress Alice Ghostley has died, and in a perfect coincidence she died within 10 weeks of Halloween!
Ghostley played "Esmerelda" on Bewitched. Ghostley's claim to fame was that she once had sex with both Darrins (despite the homosexuality of one and the severe lower back problems of the other) simultaneously.
BadAssDan gobbles up the sweet sweet candy of her passing: 19 points for the 81-year-old witch. Watch your blood sugar, fool!
Deborah Kerr, star of movies your mom tried to make you watch as a kid, died this week at age 86.
Ms. Kerr starred opposite Yul Brenner in The King & I. You remember that one. Had a bunch of vaguely Asian-looking people singing and you faked being sick so you could go read comic books in your room? She was also in From Here to Eternity. There was that scene where she and Burt Lancaster made out on a beach with the waves washing over them and you wondered how much sand got in their asscracks while shooting it. She was the female lead in An Affair to Remember, the one where your mom sat there with tissues in her hand the whole time and you fell asleep and woke up with drool all over your shirt.
In fact, the only reason you've ever even half paid attention to this lady is to offer your guess in the office debate over whether her name was pronounced like "car" or "cur." You were wrong by the way.
None of the DW2K7ers gave enough of a shit about Ms. Kerr to put her on their list. So she got from here to eternity without our help.
With the death of comedian Joey Bishop, who passed away this week at the age of 89, Frank Sinatra's famed Rat Pack was finally reunited in heaven, where they quickly resumed treating Bishop like shit.
Asked to comment on his demise, Bishop said, "I had nine years of relative peace on earth; now I gotta listen to Dean Martin insulting me for eternity. I fucking hate heaven."
DW2K7 participant Kerberos scores a tidy 11 points for remembering that Bishop was still alive to die.
Host: She's so dead that her BLANK is starting to look lively in comparison.
Contestant: I'm gonna go with CAREER, Gene.
Brett Somers, 9-year Match Game panelist, actress, personal hag to recently-dead Charles Nelson Reilly and wife of soon-to-be-dead Jack Klugman, has died of stomach and colon cancer. She was 83 years old. Nobody in DeathWatch thought Somers was still alive, and hence all 17 of her points will stay up there in the top row, center seat.
As we bid farewell to our second Match Game regular of the year, you can almost feel the sweat building on the brow of the last living series regular, Richard Dawson. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you, Rich!
Italian opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died today of pancreatic cancer, shocking millions of his fans who had just assumed he would one day die of a heart attack.
Defending Champion Roger Mortis and current leader Thanatos Therapeuticus both projected that the fat lady man would sing for Pavarotti in 2007. Out of respect, I'll say in sotto voce that they each get 29 points.
*How many of you recognize this reference?
More than a half a century ago, Phil Rizzuto sold his soul to the devil in a steal of a deal: seven World Series titles. Which just goes to show you how bad inflation has gotten when people like O.J. trade their souls in nowadays and only get a measly double-homicide acquittal.
Now look, I don't traffic in souls, I merely reap them when it's time. But between you and me, I think the Scooter's claim ticket must have fallen behind the counter down in H-E-double hockey sticks.
Speculation around the nether plane is that when Satan's beer league softball team fell two games behind the rival Christtown Jesuses, that Satan finally remembered to "draft" Scooter into eternal fiery service.
I haven't been this giddy since I painted blue skies and clouds on the side of the building that Cory Lidle slammed into last autumn. EFF THE YANKEES!!
Yankee-hater and former shortstop Kerberos finally breaks out of his slump and earns a robust 11 points for knowing that Rizzuto had Holied his last Cow.
Bill Walsh, considered by some to be one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, died of leukemia today at age 75. Walsh was noted for innovation and quick results on the field. As good as he was between the lines, the people who knew him best say he was not to be outdone by his peers in life off the gridiron, either.
"Walsh wanted to die the way he lived; doing things on his terms and by his timetable." said Jerry Rice, a former Walsh player with the 49ers, "Bill heard that other old coaches had lived too long, lingering well into their 90's before dying. Not Bill Walsh. He was having none of that."
Working toward his own end, in 2005, Walsh devised a revolutionary end-of-life scheme that mixed strong, powerful diseases with short, conservative treatments; two strategies that had never been combined before, but which produced immediate results.
Joe Montana, the quarterback of the Walsh-built San Francisco 49ers, said of his coach, "Bill made us proud today. Two years ago, he was perfectly healthy, and now, only months later, BOOM, here we are."
Deathwatchers missed out on almost four touchdowns worth of points for the fallen coach.
*Is "West Coast Death-fense" funnier? I didn't think so.
Tom Snyder, affable host of "The Tomorrow Show," and the "Late, Late Show" has passed away after a long struggle with leukemia. Snyder last appeared on television in 1998, when he was replaced by Craig Kilborn.
Tom Snyder always seemed to me like a relatively normal celebrity who hadn't let fame get to him. He'd drink and smoke on-set, and laugh way too loud. His interviews always seemed off the cuff. My grandparents liked him. To folks of my era, he seemed a little curmudgeonly, a little out of touch, but he also seemed kind of like a nice uncle, with whom you might not agree politically, but with whom you could have a friendly conversation during the holidays.
I always found his catchphrase to be original and fun: "Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air." OK, so it's a phrase written by a guy who was born before television existed. At least it's a little more thought-provoking than, "Seacrest, OUT."
Snyder was 71. Deathwatchers did not anticipate the cancellation of Snyder's life, and missed out on 29 points. Craig Kilborn will be moving into Snyder's house and having sex with his widow by sometime tomorrow afternoon.
Tom Snyder, former host of both Tomorrow on NBC and The Late, Late Show on CBS scooped all of his network peers by landing the first one-on-one interview with Satan since Jesus sat down with the Head Demon for a chat about temptation.
Snyder, who hadn't had a regular TV gig since CBS ousted him in favor of Craig Kilborne (?!?) in 1998, was ecstatic about this "get".
Asked what he had to do to get Satan to agree to an interview, Snyder replied, "Oh, I just had to die of Leukemia."
Members of DW2K7 didn't realize Snyder was pursuing this interview, so Snyder's 29 points go unclaimed.
