Friday, February 23, 2007

Dennis Johnson Couldn't Face Life Without "The O.C."

DJ couldn't stand not knowing how Summer would deal with being kicked out of Brown in the final episode.

Former NBA great Dennis "DJ" Johnson died of unknown causes on Thursday at the age of 52. How good was this guy? Larry Bird called him "the best I ever played with." Not too shabby for a kid who literally came up straight outta Compton.

In recent years, DJ had been coaching teams in the NBA's developmental league. It was at the end of a practice for his current team, the Austin Toros, that Johnson collapsed and died.

Some may think it was a stroke or some such physical malady that killed DJ. Sources close to Johnson know the real story: when he realized that he'd see no more new episodes, he knew that even he didn't have the courage to face a post-O.C. world. Frankly, I'm surprised there weren't more O.C.-related deaths yesterday. Will Seth and Summer get married? Which show will debut new songs from aspiring hip young artists now? Sweet Christ, I'm trembling as I type this with just the thought of all the questions left unanswered.

Nobody from "The D.W." hit this surprising passing, clanging 48 points right off the front iron.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Symphony of (Self-) Destruction

Soon-to-be-dead whore?
It looks like three of you were smart enough to portend the end for troubled pop princess Britney Spears. I'm not saying she's dead...YET...but, Andrew Cunanan thinks this chick is suicidal. Kurt Cobain mentioned that she might need a little professional help.

To review the past couple of years: marriage to a loser, weight gain, childbirth, child endangerment, alcoholism, divorce, childbirth, clubbing with Paris, exposing labia to the world, drugs, rehab for a day, more alcoholism, head shaving, custody of kids now in danger, wigs, back in rehab.

There are still eleven months left for this to develop this year! It's not that I want to reap her soul (if there is one there to reap). I'm just saying there's certainly a volatility there that was worth betting on.

I've been disappointed before, though. Tom Sizemore has let me down so many times that I finally left him off my list this year. Damn you Sizemore. Damn you straight to Hell.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Suicide is Painless

After yesterday's tragic (though clearly predictable) death of Anna Nicole Smith, many questions remain. What will happen to her poor daughter, what will happen to her myriad court cases, was she married to Howard K. Stern? The most important question to the sick bastards of DW2K7 is: Did she do it on purpose?

Let me first say that there is not yet official word on the death of Anna Nicole Smith. However, several sources are reporting that Anna had attempted suicide a couple of times in recent months while living in the Bahamas. One attempt is being reported as drowning herself in a swimming pool.

In the history of DeathWatch, the suicide bonus has never been given out. The DW2K7 rules state that an accidental drug overdose does not count as a suicide. There has to be some sort of proof of intent to harm oneself. I think if there had been a suicide note, that we would have heard about it by now.

All that being said, I think the most prudent thing to do in terms of scoring will be to wait and see what the police rule it. If she ingested 30 times the dosage that it would take to kill a person (or some amount that couldn't possibly be accidental), that, combined with alleged recent suicide attempts, may be enough to give out the bonus points.


The game hangs in the balance here in the first week (122 points would almost certainly make this a 2-horse race), so the Board of Deathmasters will not take any ruling lightly.

Any comments are welcome.
Grim Reaper

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Death: The Ultimate Weight-Loss Plan

Anna Nicole SmithAnna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy playmate whose bizarre life careened from marrying an octogenarian billionaire to the untimely death of her son, died Thursday after collapsing at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino. She was 39.

Both Wednesday and Deady Money "liked her [dead] body" and earned themselves a hefty 61 points (or a possible 122 points if ruled a suicide, pending police investigation).

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Current Scores

Last Edited: Jan 29, 2007 (Allan Melvin, a.k.a. "Sam the Butcher")
1st Thanatos Therapeuticus 91
2nd Roger Mortis 89
3rd Deady Money 61
3rd Wednesday 61
5th Death by Creamy Liquid 55
6th The Crippler 24
6th Rock'n'Roll Suicide 24
8th Kerberos 22
9th BadAssDan 19
10th Grim Reaper 16*
11th Salmon Mousse 6
11th Finger of Death 6

*most recent scorer

ALL OTHER LOSERS ARE TIED FOR LAST AT ZERO:
B. Reaved
He Gone!
Kiss of Death
The Oracle
R.I.P.
Raszul
Sal Monella
The Shadow
Suicide By Douche
Ted Kennedy's Driving Instructor

Grim Reaper's Deathlist

Allan Melvin DEAD @ 84
Russell Johnson
Harry Morgan
Jack Klugman
Karl Malden
Dick Van Patten
Fyvush Finkel
Louie Anderson
Robert Byrd
Bob Feller
George Allen "PAT" Summerall
David Crosby
Dr. Jack Kevorkian
Artie Lange
Kirk Douglas
Fidel Castro
Charlton Heston
Andy Rooney
Roger Ebert
Abe Vigoda

Finger of Death's Deathlist

Lady Bird Johnson DEAD @ 94
Fidel Castro
O.J. Simpson
Robert Byrd
Robert McNamara
Hugo Chavez
Ravi Shankar (THE Sitar Player)
Lester William Poifus (Les Paul)
Boy George O'Dowd
Yogi Berra
Abe Vigoda
Phyllis Diller
Joe Paterno
Betty White
Harry Morgan
Conrad Bain
Courtney Love
Kevin Federline
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Paul Newman

R.I.P.'s Deathlist

Jim Bakker
David Blaine
Wilford Brimley
Bobby Brown
Dick Clark
Phyllis Diller
Kirk Douglas
Betty Ford
Andy Griffith
Robert Guillaime
Steven Hawking
Lena Horne
Wink Martindale
Liza Minelli
Joe Paterno
Yves Saint Laurent
J.D. Salinger
Mike Tyson
Abe Vigoda
Henry Winkler

B. Reaved's Deathlist

Woody Allen
Tom Bosley
Fidel Castro
Bill Cosby
Brian Dennehy
James Garner
Billy Graham
James Earl Jones
Jack Kevorkian
Meadowlark Lemmon
Rich Little
Willie Mays
Paul Newman
Leonard Nimoy
Manuel Noriega
Charlotte Rae
Nancy Reagan
Della Reese
David Spade
Joseph Wapner

Wednesday's Deathlist

Sherwood Schwartz
Billy Graham
Nicole Richie
John Goodman
Andy Rooney
Fidel Castro
James Garner
Rip Taylor
John Paul Stevens
Howard Metzenbaum
Margaret Thatcher
Muhammad Ali
Frank Gifford
John Forsythe
Vern Troyer
Art Linkletter
Dick Cheney
Anna Nicole Smith DEAD @ 39
Lee Iacocca
Charlton Heston

Suicide By Douche's Deathlist

John Madden
Liza Minnelli
Joe Walsh
Bob Barker
Peter Falk
Michael J. Fox
Jon Lovitz
Ted Kennedy
B.B. King
Mary-Kate Olsen
Courtney Love
Horatio Sanz
Al Davis
Art Modell
Dick Clark
Nicole Richie
Fidel Castro
Bea Aurthur
Farrah Fawcett
Charlton Heston

Raszul's Deathlist

Bob Feller
Chemical Ali
Bobby Doerr
Dick Van Dyke
Jerry Van Dyke
Maucalay Calkin
Fidel Castro
Aretha Franklin
Mickey Rooney
Tim Conway
B.B. King
Jerry Lewis
Mark Aguirre
George Foreman
Robert Guillaume
Don Cornelius
Yogi Berra
Adam West
Jimmy Carter
George H. Bush

Rock'n'Roll Suicide's Deathlist

Fidel Castro
Bobcat Golthwait
Muhammad Ali
Michael J. Fox
Betty Ford
Dick Cheney
BB King
Charleton Heston
Goerge Wendt
Pervez Musharaff
Dick Clark
Margaret Thatcher
Lee Iacocca
Blake Edwards
Ike Turner DEAD @ 76
David Crosby
Anne Coulter
Andy Rooney
Mary Kate Olson
Jesse Helms

Kerberos' Deathlist

Conrad Bain
James Best
Joey Bishop DEAD @ 89
Sid Caesar
Ann B. Davis
Kirk Douglas
Peter Falk
Andy Griffith
Charlton Heston
Harvey Korman
Al Molinaro
Harry Morgan
Jim Nabors
Charlotte Rae
Nancy Reagan
Jean Stapleton
Jonathan Winters
Edwin Meese III
Phil Rizzuto DEAD @ 89
Joseph Wapner

Deady Money's Deathlist

Jim Nabors
Jack Klugman
Betty Ford
Anna Nicole Smith DEAD @ 39
B. B. King
Nolan Ryan
Kirk Douglas
Charles Manson
Fidel Castro
Jerry Lewis
Muhammad Ali
Dick Clark
David Crosby
Pat Summerall
“Superstar” Billy Graham
W. Mark Felt
Ronnie Biggs
“Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Al Molinaro
John Forsythe

BadAssDan's Deathlist

Farrah Fawcett
George Wendt
Joe Namath
Andrew Lloyd Webber
James Whitmore
Jonathan Winters
Richard Dawson
Sandy Koufax
BB King
Jackie Cooper
Henry Hill
Annette Funicello
Bob McGrath (Bob from Sesame Street)
Hugh Downs
Alice Ghostley DEAD @ 81
Andy Griffith
Phil Donahue
Dwight Gooden
Bob Dylan
Fidel Castro

Defending Champion Roger Mortis' Deathlist

Fidel Castro
Fats Domino
Kirk Douglas
Louis Farrakhan
Billy Graham
Jesse Helms
Charlton Heston
Don Ho DEAD @ 76
George Kennedy
B.B. King
Jack Klugman
Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah (leader of Hezbollah)
Luciano Pavarotti DEAD @ 71
Teddy Pendergrass
Steve-O
Margaret Thatcher
Mike Tyson
Kurt Waldheim DEAD @ 88
Boris Yeltsin DEAD @ 76
Ayman al-Zawahiri

The Oracle's Deathlist

Dick Clark
Tom Jones
Little Richard
Dick Cheney
Todd Bridges
Muhammed Ali
Michael J. Fox
Bobby Brown
Whitney Houston
Paul Newman
Kirk Douglas
Walter Cronkite
Stephen Hawking
Robert Downey, Jr.
Charlton Heston
Billy Graham
Eunice Kennedy Shriver
Nicole Richie
Maurice Clarrett
Clint Eastwood

He Gone! 's Deathlist

B.B. King
Studs Terkel
Muhammad Ali
Haley Joel Osment
Fidel Castro
Roger Ebert
Pete Doherty
Ali Hassan al-Majeed (Chemical Ali)
George Wendt
Bea Arthur
George Ryan
Jeffrey Skilling
Magic Johnson
Ayman al-Zawahiri
Don Rickles
Mark Felt
Colin Farrell
Aretha Franklin
John Goodman
Bam Margera

Ted Kennedy's Driving Instructor's Deathlist

Larry Flynt
Hugh Hefner
Kirk Douglas
Muhammad Ali
Elizabeth Taylor
Shane McGowen
Vern Troyer
Annette Funicello
Fidel Castro
Dick Clark
50 Cent
Britney Spears
Tom Sizemore
Jerry Lewis
Margaret Thatcher
Tammy Fae Bakker
Estelle Getty
Courtney Love
Don Imus
Sally Struthers

Death by Creamy Liquid's Deathlist

Osama bin Laden
Verne Troyer
David Crosby
Russell Johnson
Harry Morgan
Ted Johnson (former Pats linebacker)
Eddie Van Halen
Charles Nelson Reilly DEAD @ 76
Della Reese
William “The Refrigerator” Perry
Fidel Castro
Dwight Gooden
Evel Knievel DEAD @ 69
Roger Ebert
Tommy Chong
Stan Lee
Paul Williams
Blake Edwards
Billy Graham
Tim Johnson (the Senator from South Dakota)

The Crippler's Deathlist

Hary Morgan
Nichelle Nichols
Fidel Castro
Kylie Minogue
Kirk Douglas
Tommy Lasorda
Billy Graham
Jerry Lewis
Don Ho DEAD @ 76
Muhammad Ali
Tony Curtis
Dick Clark
Betty Ford
Tim Conway
Jack Klugman
Simon Cowell
Doug Fieger
Farrah Fawcett
John Forsythe
Terri Garr

Thanatos Therapeuticus' Deathlist

Lindsay Lohan
Justin Timberlake
Oral Roberts
Steve Jobs
Tammy Faye (Bakker) Messner DEAD @ 65
Luciano Pavaroti DEAD @ 71
Ernest Angley
Billy Graham
Jesse Helms
Jerry Falwell DEAD @ 73
Diego Maradona
Whitney Houston
Phil Kessel
Jason Becker
Jack Kevorkian
BB King
George Jones
Glenn Campbell
Fidel Castro
Farah Fawcett

Salmon Mousse's Deathlist

BB King
Jack Klugman
Mike Wallace
Courtney Love
Dick Cheney
Betty Ford
Queen Elizabeth II
Abe Vigoda
Stephen Hawking
50 Cent
Willie Mays
Studs Terkel
John Mellencamp
Wilford Brimley
Muhammad Ali
Peter O'Toole
Phyllis Diller
Kirk Douglas
Fidel Castro
Lady Bird Johnson DEAD @ 94

Kiss of Death's Deathlist

Muhammad Ali
Lauren Bacall
Fidel Castro
Dick Clark
Sean Connery
Barry Corbin
Walter Cronkite
Roger Ebert
Lou Gosset Jr.
Larry Hagman
Monty Hall
Angela Landsbury
Robert Loggia
Peter O'Toole
Sidney Poiter
Nancy Reagan
J.D. Salinger
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper
Paul Sorvino
Brian Wilson

The Shadow's Deathlist

Mickey Rooney
Charlotte Rae
Horatio Sanz
Ruby Dee
Ruth Buzzi
Edward Albee
Lauren Bacall
Elizabeth Taylor
Doris Day
Dick Van Dyke
George Jones
Phil Everly
Chuck Berry
Leon Redbone
Fidel Castro
Lindsay Lohan
John Glenn
Andy Griffith
Abe Vigoda
O.J. Simpson

Sal Monella's Deathlist

BB King
Bea Aurther
Ben Kingsley
Bettie Page
Fidel Castro
Dane Cook
Danny Pintauro
Dick Clark
Elizabeth Taylor
Farrah Fawcet
Gabe Kaplan
Gavin Macleod
Gene Wilder
Kirk Douglas
Lauren Bacall
Lindsay Lohan
Louis Farrakhan
Martin Landau
Michael J. Fox
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