Maybe He Was Just Trying to Knock the Ugly Off of Her?

It's official. As of December 12, Ike really won't hit Tina no more. Ike Turner, musician drug abuser, band leader alcoholic, talent scout abusive husband and father, and record producer convict, died at the age of 76.

Rumor has it that Turner fell ill, though not dangerously so, but in a cruel twist of fate, died from overexertion when he tried in vain to violently backhand his hospital-visiting ex-wife.

Ike "discovered" Tina in the early 1960's and started her inexplicable rise to stardom. I use quotes around "discovered," because meeting Tina had to have been the same type of "discovery" one has when one has forgotten to flush the toilet after a violent bowel movement, only to come back hours later to find his/her own decomposing feces waiting for him/her. Thanks a lot for finding Tina, Ike. And by "thanks a lot," I mean, "Go fuck yourself."

Rock-n-Roll Suicide scores his first ever DeathWatch points (24) with Ike's welcome passing. Congratulations, RnR -- welcome to the big board!

Evel's Casket Modded So He May Continue to Fail for All Eternity

Evel Knievel passed away last week from complications of being a degenerate, drunk, Hepatitis C-ridden, faux-born-again one-trick-pony. When not busy miscalculating physics and grossly missing jumps (courtesy of a high school dropout's education,) the galactically stupid Knievel liked to drink, abuse women and/or children, vote members of the Bush family into public office, miss even MORE jumps, and overdose on painkillers.

While Knievel seemingly wasn't afraid of my grim touch, he appeared to be deathly afraid of how my boy, J.Christ, would view his seven decades of wasted life. Knowing death was coming soon, Evel was publicly "saved" in early 2007 on televangelist Robert H. Schuller's *cough* douche *cough* Hour of Power television program. I call bullshit. What a complete Nancy. So much for going out in a blaze of glory and leaving a pretty corpse.

Death By Creamy Liquid slurps down 31 points worth of marrow from the broken bones left from Knievel's crash landing into eternal Hell. Good riddance.

Waldheim Goose-Steps Into Oblivion

For some men, the honor and glory of having their peers elect them to the captaincy of their VFW bowling team is a dream beyond their puny reach. Others achieve international recognition and yearn for still more. Such a man was Kurt Waldheim. A career diplomat, Mr. Waldheim was eventually elected to the post of Secretary-General of the United Nations, a job that carries with it incredible importance and comes with a dental plan and every other Friday off. But this was not enough for our ambitious Austrian. No, when his time at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza was up, Waldheim returned home and ran a successful campaign for the Austrian presidency, largely on a campaign promise to put more wiener in the wiener schnitzel. Then, at the height of his career, someone took a big steaming shit on his legacy by outing Waldheim as a former Nazi. Funny how a little thing like that comes back to bite you in the ass.

Anyway, Waldheim kicked it this week. He died of apparent heart failure at 88. The Waldheim family vehemently denies that Mr. Waldheim died while jacking it to the "Lonely Goatherd" scene in The Sound of Music.

Roger Mortis scores twelve beautiful points off the corpse of this dead Nazi.

Falwell DEAD: Thinking People Around the World Rejoice!

OK, look. If you liked Jerry Fallwell, let me first invite you to have rough, spiteful sex with yourself! Done with that? Then allow me to politely ask that you never return to my site. Seriously, bugger off.

With that out of the way, I am so psyched that this holier-than-thou sh1tpiece of a man has finally done us all a favor and stopped breathing. This human butt-plug made it his personal mission to make up fairy tales in order to fleece the innocent and simple-minded.

If you aren't familiar with FuckKnuckles McGee, as his friends called him, here are some of his greatest hits:
(Keep in mind that these are things that he said OUT LOUD...what is he keeping to himself?)
*Falwell asserted that when The Antichrist ("The Beast") comes, he "must be, of necessity, a Jewish male"

*During the Civil Rights Movement Falwell was a supporter of racial segregation. He said this about Martin Luther King, "I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King..."

*As for homosexuality, Falwell remarked, "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals."

And that's just scratching the surface of his insane assholery.

Sure, there are plenty of uneducated buffoons with the above beliefs, but this pigfucker actually acquired the means to perpetuate these views through a "school" called Liberty University. Liberty University is the Taliban of colleges. When one steps on campus at Liberty, one expects John Lithgow to jump out from the bushes and stop everyone from dancing. Calling Liberty University a school is like calling The Third Reich a social club. Paying tuition to Liberty U. is akin to paying $14,000 per year to eat endless buckets brimming with human feces.

Falwell disgraced humankind on this earth for 73 years. Thanatos Therapeuticus knew that Jerry would be "called home" this year. Our resident master of death therapy picked six evangelists this year. I hope he goes six for six.

27 points for T.T.'s excellent call!