Dark Lord Finally Calls In Marker on Rizzuto's Soul

More than a half a century ago, Phil Rizzuto sold his soul to the devil in a steal of a deal: seven World Series titles. Which just goes to show you how bad inflation has gotten when people like O.J. trade their souls in nowadays and only get a measly double-homicide acquittal.

Now look, I don't traffic in souls, I merely reap them when it's time. But between you and me, I think the Scooter's claim ticket must have fallen behind the counter down in H-E-double hockey sticks.

Speculation around the nether plane is that when Satan's beer league softball team fell two games behind the rival Christtown Jesuses, that Satan finally remembered to "draft" Scooter into eternal fiery service.

I haven't been this giddy since I painted blue skies and clouds on the side of the building that Cory Lidle slammed into last autumn. EFF THE YANKEES!!

Yankee-hater and former shortstop Kerberos finally breaks out of his slump and earns a robust 11 points for knowing that Rizzuto had Holied his last Cow.

Bill Walsh Pioneers "Death Ghost Offense*" Scheme

Bill Walsh, considered by some to be one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, died of leukemia today at age 75. Walsh was noted for innovation and quick results on the field. As good as he was between the lines, the people who knew him best say he was not to be outdone by his peers in life off the gridiron, either.

"Walsh wanted to die the way he lived; doing things on his terms and by his timetable." said Jerry Rice, a former Walsh player with the 49ers, "Bill heard that other old coaches had lived too long, lingering well into their 90's before dying. Not Bill Walsh. He was having none of that."

Working toward his own end, in 2005, Walsh devised a revolutionary end-of-life scheme that mixed strong, powerful diseases with short, conservative treatments; two strategies that had never been combined before, but which produced immediate results.

Joe Montana, the quarterback of the Walsh-built San Francisco 49ers, said of his coach, "Bill made us proud today. Two years ago, he was perfectly healthy, and now, only months later, BOOM, here we are."

Deathwatchers missed out on almost four touchdowns worth of points for the fallen coach.

*Is "West Coast Death-fense" funnier? I didn't think so.

Benoit Murder/Suicide Called "Best WWE Plot Twist Yet"

Former WWE wrestler Chris Benoit was found dead Tuesday, the instigator of an apparent murder/suicide that may be the most exciting thing to happen to professional wrestling entertainment since WrestleMania. Hundreds of delinquent, illiterate teens gathered outside the police tape at Benoit's Fayetteville, Georgia home to cheer on their hero.

"He just always makes it look so real!" marvelled Tony Porter, a lifelong fan of Benoit's work and muscular physique.

"For them to have him whack his entire family with folding chairs--that's just great writing!" crowed Chuck Hanson, pumping his fist enthusiastically in the air, proudly displaying a sweat-stained wristband that Benoit himself threw into the crowd following his WCW World Heavyweight Championship win in 2000. "This is a helluva way for my man to stage his comeback!"

The growing throng of fans milled about, hoping to catch a further glimpse of the crime scene, as the sound of camera phones snapped in the air along with speculation: "Five bucks says that Booker T is behind this!" "I can't wait for McMahon to write the next chapter of this shit!"

Police investigators say that eyewitnesses "could have sworn" that the folding chairs actually DID hit their intended targets, but if the man wielding the chair was a "perfeshunnal wrassler" that maybe he did pull his punches a bit.

Anyone at DW2K7 could have jumped off the top rope for a whopping 120 points, but we didn't see it coming, since we know that steroids don't have an effect on mood and that wrestling is all totally real.

Death Outcoaches Eddie Robinson

Eddie Robinson, gridiron icon and legendary Grambling football coach, has passed at age 88. Throughout his extensive career, he broke both barriers (racial) and records (400 wins). Hell, the damn stadium at Grambling is named after him, an indication of his greatness. This regular guy from a small school produced over 200 NFL players!

This should have been an easy twelve, since he had Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, nobody but Jesus picked Coach in this draft.

Bowie Kuhn Goes Down Looking. Nobody Cares.

Former Major League Baseball Commish Bowie Kuhn took a respiratory called strike three today (heart problem, heart surgery, lung problems--YER OUT!)

No score.

Yawn.

Dennis Johnson Couldn't Face Life Without "The O.C."

Former NBA great Dennis "DJ" Johnson died of unknown causes on Thursday at the age of 52. How good was this guy? Larry Bird called him "the best I ever played with." Not too shabby for a kid who literally came up straight outta Compton.

In recent years, DJ had been coaching teams in the NBA's developmental league. It was at the end of a practice for his current team, the Austin Toros, that Johnson collapsed and died.

Some may think it was a stroke or some such physical malady that killed DJ. Sources close to Johnson know the real story: when he realized that he'd see no more new episodes, he knew that even he didn't have the courage to face a post-O.C. world. Frankly, I'm surprised there weren't more O.C.-related deaths yesterday. Will Seth and Summer get married? Which show will debut new songs from aspiring hip young artists now? Sweet Christ, I'm trembling as I type this with just the thought of all the questions left unanswered.

Nobody from "The D.W." hit this surprising passing, clanging 48 points right off the front iron.