Maybe He Was Just Trying to Knock the Ugly Off of Her?

It's official. As of December 12, Ike really won't hit Tina no more. Ike Turner, musician drug abuser, band leader alcoholic, talent scout abusive husband and father, and record producer convict, died at the age of 76.

Rumor has it that Turner fell ill, though not dangerously so, but in a cruel twist of fate, died from overexertion when he tried in vain to violently backhand his hospital-visiting ex-wife.

Ike "discovered" Tina in the early 1960's and started her inexplicable rise to stardom. I use quotes around "discovered," because meeting Tina had to have been the same type of "discovery" one has when one has forgotten to flush the toilet after a violent bowel movement, only to come back hours later to find his/her own decomposing feces waiting for him/her. Thanks a lot for finding Tina, Ike. And by "thanks a lot," I mean, "Go fuck yourself."

Rock-n-Roll Suicide scores his first ever DeathWatch points (24) with Ike's welcome passing. Congratulations, RnR -- welcome to the big board!

Evel's Casket Modded So He May Continue to Fail for All Eternity

Evel Knievel passed away last week from complications of being a degenerate, drunk, Hepatitis C-ridden, faux-born-again one-trick-pony. When not busy miscalculating physics and grossly missing jumps (courtesy of a high school dropout's education,) the galactically stupid Knievel liked to drink, abuse women and/or children, vote members of the Bush family into public office, miss even MORE jumps, and overdose on painkillers.

While Knievel seemingly wasn't afraid of my grim touch, he appeared to be deathly afraid of how my boy, J.Christ, would view his seven decades of wasted life. Knowing death was coming soon, Evel was publicly "saved" in early 2007 on televangelist Robert H. Schuller's *cough* douche *cough* Hour of Power television program. I call bullshit. What a complete Nancy. So much for going out in a blaze of glory and leaving a pretty corpse.

Death By Creamy Liquid slurps down 31 points worth of marrow from the broken bones left from Knievel's crash landing into eternal Hell. Good riddance.

Goulet Finally Nails Death Scene

"Entertainer" Robert Goulet has passed away at age 73. Acting coach and longtime friend Dr. Richard I. Chamberlain praised Goulet's new 'method' approach. "This time, he didn't ham it up as much as he usually does. In the past, he would crank out these excruciating death monologues. This time, the breathing tube really restricted him to something of a muted gurgle...very convincing...very 'noir.'"

The not-quite-French-Canadian baritone inexplicably became famous for his extremely limited acting and vocal ranges. Goulet's agent, Sheldon Krantz, speculated on Goulet's fame, "In those days, entertainment was filled with people who could actually sing and act. Hollywood really needed someone who could be a loud, over-the-top caricature all the time. America wanted someone who could act like a washed-up has-been before he had even 'been.' Robert provided all of those things...a talentless--yet arrogant--hack. I'll miss that bombastic shmuck."

Death will certainly interrupt Goulet's Halloween dark ritual of attempting to re-animate his career by consuming the souls of gifted actors and vocalists.

Halloween Reminds Me That Alice Ghostley Is Still Dead and That Nobody Ever Wrote a Story

Spookily-named actress Alice Ghostley has died, and in a perfect coincidence she died within 10 weeks of Halloween!

Ghostley played "Esmerelda" on Bewitched. Ghostley's claim to fame was that she once had sex with both Darrins (despite the homosexuality of one and the severe lower back problems of the other) simultaneously.

BadAssDan gobbles up the sweet sweet candy of her passing: 19 points for the 81-year-old witch. Watch your blood sugar, fool!

Boring Actress Dies Boring Death

Deborah Kerr, star of movies your mom tried to make you watch as a kid, died this week at age 86.

Ms. Kerr starred opposite Yul Brenner in The King & I. You remember that one. Had a bunch of vaguely Asian-looking people singing and you faked being sick so you could go read comic books in your room? She was also in From Here to Eternity. There was that scene where she and Burt Lancaster made out on a beach with the waves washing over them and you wondered how much sand got in their asscracks while shooting it. She was the female lead in An Affair to Remember, the one where your mom sat there with tissues in her hand the whole time and you fell asleep and woke up with drool all over your shirt.

In fact, the only reason you've ever even half paid attention to this lady is to offer your guess in the office debate over whether her name was pronounced like "car" or "cur." You were wrong by the way.

None of the DW2K7ers gave enough of a shit about Ms. Kerr to put her on their list. So she got from here to eternity without our help.

Rat Pack Reunited in Afterlife

With the death of comedian Joey Bishop, who passed away this week at the age of 89, Frank Sinatra's famed Rat Pack was finally reunited in heaven, where they quickly resumed treating Bishop like shit.

Asked to comment on his demise, Bishop said, "I had nine years of relative peace on earth; now I gotta listen to Dean Martin insulting me for eternity. I fucking hate heaven."

DW2K7 participant Kerberos scores a tidy 11 points for remembering that Bishop was still alive to die.

Host: Brett Somers is SOOOO dead. Crowd (in unison): How dead is she?

Host: She's so dead that her BLANK is starting to look lively in comparison.
Contestant: I'm gonna go with CAREER, Gene.

Brett Somers, 9-year Match Game panelist, actress, personal hag to recently-dead Charles Nelson Reilly and wife of soon-to-be-dead Jack Klugman, has died of stomach and colon cancer. She was 83 years old. Nobody in DeathWatch thought Somers was still alive, and hence all 17 of her points will stay up there in the top row, center seat.

As we bid farewell to our second Match Game regular of the year, you can almost feel the sweat building on the brow of the last living series regular, Richard Dawson. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you, Rich!

Opera Man...Bye Bye!*

Italian opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died today of pancreatic cancer, shocking millions of his fans who had just assumed he would one day die of a heart attack.


Defending Champion Roger Mortis and current leader Thanatos Therapeuticus both projected that the fat lady man would sing for Pavarotti in 2007. Out of respect, I'll say in sotto voce that they each get 29 points.

*How many of you recognize this reference?

For the 'Late, Late' Tom Snyder, Life Imitates Career

Tom Snyder, affable host of "The Tomorrow Show," and the "Late, Late Show" has passed away after a long struggle with leukemia. Snyder last appeared on television in 1998, when he was replaced by Craig Kilborn.

Tom Snyder always seemed to me like a relatively normal celebrity who hadn't let fame get to him. He'd drink and smoke on-set, and laugh way too loud. His interviews always seemed off the cuff. My grandparents liked him. To folks of my era, he seemed a little curmudgeonly, a little out of touch, but he also seemed kind of like a nice uncle, with whom you might not agree politically, but with whom you could have a friendly conversation during the holidays.

I always found his catchphrase to be original and fun: "Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air." OK, so it's a phrase written by a guy who was born before television existed. At least it's a little more thought-provoking than, "Seacrest, OUT."

Snyder was 71. Deathwatchers did not anticipate the cancellation of Snyder's life, and missed out on 29 points. Craig Kilborn will be moving into Snyder's house and having sex with his widow by sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Fat Lady Sings Sang

Beverly Sills, best known for an appearance on The Muppet Show in 1979, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 78.

Although most Americans are not familiar with her work outside of The Muppet Show, Ms. Sills was, the Associated Press is saying, a singer of some sort. When asked if she'd ever performed with Justin Timberlake, a spokesman for Ms. Sills' estate began crying.

Whoever she was, Muppet-lovers across the country are in mourning for "that one guest who sang and shit. I think maybe her name was Shields? Or Yarnell? Pass me the bong."

No player on DW2K7 was aware enough of Ms. Sills' life to have predicted her death.

Charles Nelson Reilly is BLANK.

Charles Nelson Reilly, the Tony-winning comic actor who once held the title of "Gayest Man on the Planet" (he was succeeded by Richard Simmons), has died at age 76. Reilly is probably best known to children of the 70's as a frequent panelist on the television show Match Game. Let us be clear: in the history of mankind, nobody made sexual double entendre like this man did. We have lost a legend.

While he credits game show appearances with ending his acting career, it was pneumonia that ultimately ended his life. One can take some solace in knowing that Reilly lived long enough to see Jerry Falwell (a.k.a. The Assmaster General) die.

Long before yukking it up in the top row with his own personal hag Brett Somers, the most flamboyantly gay man ever seen on television had already set Broadway on fire. In 1962, he won the Tony award for his role in the play "How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying."

Fittingly, Death By Creamy Liquid chose Reilly to match the Grim Reaper in the final round of his life, and will earn 24 points.

A Grim Reaper TwoForTuesday: Two Toms to Tomtom in a Too-Tight Tommy Tomb Tonight

Tom Poston Needed a New Hart?
Poston, the classic everyman performer best known for his performances on Mork & Mindy and Newhart has died at the age of 85. Oddly enough, Tom and Suzanne Pleshette got married a few years back simply because they were each the only living people that either of them knew. That Poston always would nail anything with a heartbeat...though I've seen corpses that are way hotter than Pleshette has been since about half past menopause.

Tommy Newsom-thing Was Wrong When There was Copius Blood in His Urine!
The subsitute band leader for The Tonight Show, Newsom was ironically dubbed "Mr Excitement" by Johnny Carson for his calm demeanor. Newsom was once quoted as saying, "Sorry, Johnny, that I didn't wear the gayest sequined coats on the planet like your flip boy Doc!" Newsom, 78, died of both liver AND bladder cancer. Gee, I wonder if this guy ever hit the sauce? Or perhaps Tommy never actually imbibed, but rather was slain by secondhand gin fumes blasted from the business end of raging alcoholic Doc Severinsen's trumpet?


Despite my generosity at giving you folks a twin spin, nobody put in a request for either of these dead stacks o' wax.

"Tiny Bubbles" Burst: Ho's Heart Follows Suit

Don Ho died of heart failure in Hawaii on Saturday. I know that he sang "Tiny Bubbles." I know that he most likely sang some other stuff, but I have no idea what. I know that he is dead, and I know that he was 76. Somehow, though, he's famous enough from one crappy song from 40 years ago that everyone of a certain age knows who this guy is! Maybe it's from his guest appearances on Fantasy Island that we know him??

Don Imus reacted to the singer's death, saying, "Now that's one happy deaded Ho."

Defending Champion Roger Mortis and The Crippler score the second hit of the year and earn 24 points for our fallen ukelele hero.

Brad Delp, Lead Singer of 70's Band Boston, Closes His Eyes and Slips Away.

Brad Delp the man behind the powerful, high-pitched vocals of 70's rock band, Boston, passed away of undisclosed causes this week.

Delp, described by nearly everyone as "the nicest guy in rock-n-roll," was engaged to be married to his longtime girlfriend this summer, during what would have been a break in a busy touring schedule with Boston.

Nobody on DW2K7 had "More Than a Feeling" that the 55-year-old lead singer would pass this year.

EDIT: MARCH 15, SUICIDE! Delp sealed himself into a bathroom with two charcoal grills that were both "Smokin!" and the CO finished him off...he even left two suicide notes. So that's 90 points left on the back burner.

Richard Jeni has had bad aim.

Suicide was apparently not painless for comedian Richard Jeni last night. Pulling the trigger on his own face, the funnyman didn't quite complete the job correctly, leaving himself alive until he arrived at the hospital.

O.K., so he earned some cred from me by using a gun (no false attempts at O.D.'ing or hanging--Britney, I'm looking your way here...) So I guess we have to assume that he just missed a point-blank shot at a stationary target? I don't mean to disparage the man's final act, but if reports are right, he shot himself in the face. Wouldn't you go for the roof of the mouth or the temple? Or are those just movie cliches?

The 49-year-old comedian would have delivered a 98-point punchline for DeathWatchers, but none of us bought a ticket to Jeni's final set.