Maybe He Was Just Trying to Knock the Ugly Off of Her?

It's official. As of December 12, Ike really won't hit Tina no more. Ike Turner, musician drug abuser, band leader alcoholic, talent scout abusive husband and father, and record producer convict, died at the age of 76.

Rumor has it that Turner fell ill, though not dangerously so, but in a cruel twist of fate, died from overexertion when he tried in vain to violently backhand his hospital-visiting ex-wife.

Ike "discovered" Tina in the early 1960's and started her inexplicable rise to stardom. I use quotes around "discovered," because meeting Tina had to have been the same type of "discovery" one has when one has forgotten to flush the toilet after a violent bowel movement, only to come back hours later to find his/her own decomposing feces waiting for him/her. Thanks a lot for finding Tina, Ike. And by "thanks a lot," I mean, "Go fuck yourself."

Rock-n-Roll Suicide scores his first ever DeathWatch points (24) with Ike's welcome passing. Congratulations, RnR -- welcome to the big board!

Evel's Casket Modded So He May Continue to Fail for All Eternity

Evel Knievel passed away last week from complications of being a degenerate, drunk, Hepatitis C-ridden, faux-born-again one-trick-pony. When not busy miscalculating physics and grossly missing jumps (courtesy of a high school dropout's education,) the galactically stupid Knievel liked to drink, abuse women and/or children, vote members of the Bush family into public office, miss even MORE jumps, and overdose on painkillers.

While Knievel seemingly wasn't afraid of my grim touch, he appeared to be deathly afraid of how my boy, J.Christ, would view his seven decades of wasted life. Knowing death was coming soon, Evel was publicly "saved" in early 2007 on televangelist Robert H. Schuller's *cough* douche *cough* Hour of Power television program. I call bullshit. What a complete Nancy. So much for going out in a blaze of glory and leaving a pretty corpse.

Death By Creamy Liquid slurps down 31 points worth of marrow from the broken bones left from Knievel's crash landing into eternal Hell. Good riddance.

Halloween Reminds Me That Alice Ghostley Is Still Dead and That Nobody Ever Wrote a Story

Spookily-named actress Alice Ghostley has died, and in a perfect coincidence she died within 10 weeks of Halloween!

Ghostley played "Esmerelda" on Bewitched. Ghostley's claim to fame was that she once had sex with both Darrins (despite the homosexuality of one and the severe lower back problems of the other) simultaneously.

BadAssDan gobbles up the sweet sweet candy of her passing: 19 points for the 81-year-old witch. Watch your blood sugar, fool!

Rat Pack Reunited in Afterlife

With the death of comedian Joey Bishop, who passed away this week at the age of 89, Frank Sinatra's famed Rat Pack was finally reunited in heaven, where they quickly resumed treating Bishop like shit.

Asked to comment on his demise, Bishop said, "I had nine years of relative peace on earth; now I gotta listen to Dean Martin insulting me for eternity. I fucking hate heaven."

DW2K7 participant Kerberos scores a tidy 11 points for remembering that Bishop was still alive to die.

Opera Man...Bye Bye!*

Italian opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died today of pancreatic cancer, shocking millions of his fans who had just assumed he would one day die of a heart attack.


Defending Champion Roger Mortis and current leader Thanatos Therapeuticus both projected that the fat lady man would sing for Pavarotti in 2007. Out of respect, I'll say in sotto voce that they each get 29 points.

*How many of you recognize this reference?

Dark Lord Finally Calls In Marker on Rizzuto's Soul

More than a half a century ago, Phil Rizzuto sold his soul to the devil in a steal of a deal: seven World Series titles. Which just goes to show you how bad inflation has gotten when people like O.J. trade their souls in nowadays and only get a measly double-homicide acquittal.

Now look, I don't traffic in souls, I merely reap them when it's time. But between you and me, I think the Scooter's claim ticket must have fallen behind the counter down in H-E-double hockey sticks.

Speculation around the nether plane is that when Satan's beer league softball team fell two games behind the rival Christtown Jesuses, that Satan finally remembered to "draft" Scooter into eternal fiery service.

I haven't been this giddy since I painted blue skies and clouds on the side of the building that Cory Lidle slammed into last autumn. EFF THE YANKEES!!

Yankee-hater and former shortstop Kerberos finally breaks out of his slump and earns a robust 11 points for knowing that Rizzuto had Holied his last Cow.

Tammy Faye Messner

Former televangelism superstar Tammy Faye Messner was called home by Jesus The Lord Almighty. One assumes it was because he was so enamoured of her "look" that he wanted her as an eye-liner consultant in heaven.

Having seen, and enjoyed, The Eyes of Tammy Faye, I'm actually a little less inclined to hurl invective at this lady than I am at other people who make themselves rich pretending to heal cripples and shouting about Christ with really shitty music in the background.

So I'll just say that Thanatos Therapeuticus scored a tidy little 35 points off of Tammy Faye's passing.

Lady Bird Johnson; First Lady, Genetic Freak

Scientists today completed an autopsy on former First Lady Lady Bird Johnson, who died this week at age 94, and determined that she was, in fact, half-woman and half-bird. Dr. Ezekiel Carmichael, a physiologist who worked on the case in conjunction with the Travis County Medical Examiner's office, commented, "Yeah, everyone thought it was just a nickname or something, but, as God is my witness, that old lady had hollow bones. I shit you not."

Dr. Carmichael says the medical team is now trying to determine if Mrs. Johnson was "...the product of early experiments in genetic manipulation or if her dad just boned a sparrow."

A spokesman for the Johnson family told the media on Thursday that Mrs. Johnson died after being chased around the living room by the family cat. At press time, the family was considering burying her in a large cardboard shoebox in the back yard.

Finger of Death and Salmon Mousse both score a whopping six points off of this terrible tragedy.

Waldheim Goose-Steps Into Oblivion

For some men, the honor and glory of having their peers elect them to the captaincy of their VFW bowling team is a dream beyond their puny reach. Others achieve international recognition and yearn for still more. Such a man was Kurt Waldheim. A career diplomat, Mr. Waldheim was eventually elected to the post of Secretary-General of the United Nations, a job that carries with it incredible importance and comes with a dental plan and every other Friday off. But this was not enough for our ambitious Austrian. No, when his time at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza was up, Waldheim returned home and ran a successful campaign for the Austrian presidency, largely on a campaign promise to put more wiener in the wiener schnitzel. Then, at the height of his career, someone took a big steaming shit on his legacy by outing Waldheim as a former Nazi. Funny how a little thing like that comes back to bite you in the ass.

Anyway, Waldheim kicked it this week. He died of apparent heart failure at 88. The Waldheim family vehemently denies that Mr. Waldheim died while jacking it to the "Lonely Goatherd" scene in The Sound of Music.

Roger Mortis scores twelve beautiful points off the corpse of this dead Nazi.

Charles Nelson Reilly is BLANK.

Charles Nelson Reilly, the Tony-winning comic actor who once held the title of "Gayest Man on the Planet" (he was succeeded by Richard Simmons), has died at age 76. Reilly is probably best known to children of the 70's as a frequent panelist on the television show Match Game. Let us be clear: in the history of mankind, nobody made sexual double entendre like this man did. We have lost a legend.

While he credits game show appearances with ending his acting career, it was pneumonia that ultimately ended his life. One can take some solace in knowing that Reilly lived long enough to see Jerry Falwell (a.k.a. The Assmaster General) die.

Long before yukking it up in the top row with his own personal hag Brett Somers, the most flamboyantly gay man ever seen on television had already set Broadway on fire. In 1962, he won the Tony award for his role in the play "How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying."

Fittingly, Death By Creamy Liquid chose Reilly to match the Grim Reaper in the final round of his life, and will earn 24 points.

Falwell DEAD: Thinking People Around the World Rejoice!

OK, look. If you liked Jerry Fallwell, let me first invite you to have rough, spiteful sex with yourself! Done with that? Then allow me to politely ask that you never return to my site. Seriously, bugger off.

With that out of the way, I am so psyched that this holier-than-thou sh1tpiece of a man has finally done us all a favor and stopped breathing. This human butt-plug made it his personal mission to make up fairy tales in order to fleece the innocent and simple-minded.

If you aren't familiar with FuckKnuckles McGee, as his friends called him, here are some of his greatest hits:
(Keep in mind that these are things that he said OUT LOUD...what is he keeping to himself?)
*Falwell asserted that when The Antichrist ("The Beast") comes, he "must be, of necessity, a Jewish male"

*During the Civil Rights Movement Falwell was a supporter of racial segregation. He said this about Martin Luther King, "I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King..."

*As for homosexuality, Falwell remarked, "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals."

And that's just scratching the surface of his insane assholery.

Sure, there are plenty of uneducated buffoons with the above beliefs, but this pigfucker actually acquired the means to perpetuate these views through a "school" called Liberty University. Liberty University is the Taliban of colleges. When one steps on campus at Liberty, one expects John Lithgow to jump out from the bushes and stop everyone from dancing. Calling Liberty University a school is like calling The Third Reich a social club. Paying tuition to Liberty U. is akin to paying $14,000 per year to eat endless buckets brimming with human feces.

Falwell disgraced humankind on this earth for 73 years. Thanatos Therapeuticus knew that Jerry would be "called home" this year. Our resident master of death therapy picked six evangelists this year. I hope he goes six for six.

27 points for T.T.'s excellent call!

Boris Dies, Natasha Vows to Continue Hunt for Moose and Squirrel

Former Russian Leader Boris Yeltsin has died of heart failure at the age of 76.

When not busy swilling vodka or wearing fur, Yeltsin gulped down spoonfuls of lard, in an attempt to achieve complete coronary artery blockage with simultaneous Absolut liver shutdown. Sadly, his heart gave out while his liver was still 4% functional.

Roger Mortis scores 24 points by choosing our Smirnoff-soaked statesman stiff and is starting to gain on the leaders!

"Tiny Bubbles" Burst: Ho's Heart Follows Suit

Don Ho died of heart failure in Hawaii on Saturday. I know that he sang "Tiny Bubbles." I know that he most likely sang some other stuff, but I have no idea what. I know that he is dead, and I know that he was 76. Somehow, though, he's famous enough from one crappy song from 40 years ago that everyone of a certain age knows who this guy is! Maybe it's from his guest appearances on Fantasy Island that we know him??

Don Imus reacted to the singer's death, saying, "Now that's one happy deaded Ho."

Defending Champion Roger Mortis and The Crippler score the second hit of the year and earn 24 points for our fallen ukelele hero.

Death: The Ultimate Weight-Loss Plan

Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy playmate whose bizarre life careened from marrying an octogenarian billionaire to the untimely death of her son, died Thursday after collapsing at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino. She was 39.

Both Wednesday and Deady Money "liked her [dead] body" and earned themselves a hefty 61 points (or a possible 122 points if ruled a suicide, pending police investigation).