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Reclusive chess Grandmaster Bobby Fischer played an exhibition match against our Dark Lord, Mephistopholes, earlier this week. Fischer had been quoted before the game as saying, "Satan's probably been too busy spewing brimstone for the last several centuries to have seriously taken up chess. so I should breeze through! After all, I beat Spassky, didn't I?"

When Beezlebub came out with a feeble opening move of f6, America's Cold War hero responded playfully with an attempt to "Fool's Mate" Old Hickory on the game's second turn. Unfortunatley for Bobby, Lucifer was just pulling a feint to mask the setting up of the Sicilian Defense. Fischer's hubris doomed him. After several hours of play, the devil castled queenside, and on the next turn growled across the table, "Rook to King's Knight seven...CHECKMATE!"

The Ruler of Darkness then took possession of Fischer's soul. When Fischer protested that he had only agreed to an exhibition game, Old Scratch replied, "Dude, I'm the fucking devil--you probably shouldn't have trusted me."

No DW2K7ers got queened with the 36 points for his death, and instead will have to watch the Joe Mantegna, Joan Allen and Ben Kingsley movie from the early 90's as a consolation prize. (Remember Larry Fishburne as the "too cool for school" speed chess player from Washington Square Park? God, I miss the 90's!)

Please, Don't Squeeze the Reaper!

Actor Dick Wilson*, a.k.a. Charmin's anal-retentive, squeeze-o-phobic grocer, "Mr. Whipple," died last week at the age of 91. When not busy policing middle-aged women trying to cop a feel of his beloved toilet tissue, Wilson played forgettable parts in even more forgettable television shows. Wilson's character, Whipple, exhibited classic conservative Republican behavior in that he publicly railed against a particular behavior (in this case 'squeezing the Charmin') only to then particpate lustily in the forbidden frolic the moment nobody was looking. If only Whipple had known that while he was in there hugging his TP, he could have just tapped his foot under the stall divider...

Through the years, Wilson also did a recurring guest spot on Bewitched, which makes him the third dead alternate-lifestyles Dick from that show!

Nobody managed to 'squeeze' out the meager 9 points from his being 'wiped' out.

*Seriously, if I put a hyperlink in here, would ANYONE follow it?

Goulet Finally Nails Death Scene

"Entertainer" Robert Goulet has passed away at age 73. Acting coach and longtime friend Dr. Richard I. Chamberlain praised Goulet's new 'method' approach. "This time, he didn't ham it up as much as he usually does. In the past, he would crank out these excruciating death monologues. This time, the breathing tube really restricted him to something of a muted gurgle...very convincing...very 'noir.'"

The not-quite-French-Canadian baritone inexplicably became famous for his extremely limited acting and vocal ranges. Goulet's agent, Sheldon Krantz, speculated on Goulet's fame, "In those days, entertainment was filled with people who could actually sing and act. Hollywood really needed someone who could be a loud, over-the-top caricature all the time. America wanted someone who could act like a washed-up has-been before he had even 'been.' Robert provided all of those things...a talentless--yet arrogant--hack. I'll miss that bombastic shmuck."

Death will certainly interrupt Goulet's Halloween dark ritual of attempting to re-animate his career by consuming the souls of gifted actors and vocalists.

Boring Actress Dies Boring Death

Deborah Kerr, star of movies your mom tried to make you watch as a kid, died this week at age 86.

Ms. Kerr starred opposite Yul Brenner in The King & I. You remember that one. Had a bunch of vaguely Asian-looking people singing and you faked being sick so you could go read comic books in your room? She was also in From Here to Eternity. There was that scene where she and Burt Lancaster made out on a beach with the waves washing over them and you wondered how much sand got in their asscracks while shooting it. She was the female lead in An Affair to Remember, the one where your mom sat there with tissues in her hand the whole time and you fell asleep and woke up with drool all over your shirt.

In fact, the only reason you've ever even half paid attention to this lady is to offer your guess in the office debate over whether her name was pronounced like "car" or "cur." You were wrong by the way.

None of the DW2K7ers gave enough of a shit about Ms. Kerr to put her on their list. So she got from here to eternity without our help.

Host: Brett Somers is SOOOO dead. Crowd (in unison): How dead is she?

Host: She's so dead that her BLANK is starting to look lively in comparison.
Contestant: I'm gonna go with CAREER, Gene.

Brett Somers, 9-year Match Game panelist, actress, personal hag to recently-dead Charles Nelson Reilly and wife of soon-to-be-dead Jack Klugman, has died of stomach and colon cancer. She was 83 years old. Nobody in DeathWatch thought Somers was still alive, and hence all 17 of her points will stay up there in the top row, center seat.

As we bid farewell to our second Match Game regular of the year, you can almost feel the sweat building on the brow of the last living series regular, Richard Dawson. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you, Rich!

Bill Walsh Pioneers "Death Ghost Offense*" Scheme

Bill Walsh, considered by some to be one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, died of leukemia today at age 75. Walsh was noted for innovation and quick results on the field. As good as he was between the lines, the people who knew him best say he was not to be outdone by his peers in life off the gridiron, either.

"Walsh wanted to die the way he lived; doing things on his terms and by his timetable." said Jerry Rice, a former Walsh player with the 49ers, "Bill heard that other old coaches had lived too long, lingering well into their 90's before dying. Not Bill Walsh. He was having none of that."

Working toward his own end, in 2005, Walsh devised a revolutionary end-of-life scheme that mixed strong, powerful diseases with short, conservative treatments; two strategies that had never been combined before, but which produced immediate results.

Joe Montana, the quarterback of the Walsh-built San Francisco 49ers, said of his coach, "Bill made us proud today. Two years ago, he was perfectly healthy, and now, only months later, BOOM, here we are."

Deathwatchers missed out on almost four touchdowns worth of points for the fallen coach.

*Is "West Coast Death-fense" funnier? I didn't think so.

For the 'Late, Late' Tom Snyder, Life Imitates Career

Tom Snyder, affable host of "The Tomorrow Show," and the "Late, Late Show" has passed away after a long struggle with leukemia. Snyder last appeared on television in 1998, when he was replaced by Craig Kilborn.

Tom Snyder always seemed to me like a relatively normal celebrity who hadn't let fame get to him. He'd drink and smoke on-set, and laugh way too loud. His interviews always seemed off the cuff. My grandparents liked him. To folks of my era, he seemed a little curmudgeonly, a little out of touch, but he also seemed kind of like a nice uncle, with whom you might not agree politically, but with whom you could have a friendly conversation during the holidays.

I always found his catchphrase to be original and fun: "Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air." OK, so it's a phrase written by a guy who was born before television existed. At least it's a little more thought-provoking than, "Seacrest, OUT."

Snyder was 71. Deathwatchers did not anticipate the cancellation of Snyder's life, and missed out on 29 points. Craig Kilborn will be moving into Snyder's house and having sex with his widow by sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Fat Lady Sings Sang

Beverly Sills, best known for an appearance on The Muppet Show in 1979, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 78.

Although most Americans are not familiar with her work outside of The Muppet Show, Ms. Sills was, the Associated Press is saying, a singer of some sort. When asked if she'd ever performed with Justin Timberlake, a spokesman for Ms. Sills' estate began crying.

Whoever she was, Muppet-lovers across the country are in mourning for "that one guest who sang and shit. I think maybe her name was Shields? Or Yarnell? Pass me the bong."

No player on DW2K7 was aware enough of Ms. Sills' life to have predicted her death.

Benoit Murder/Suicide Called "Best WWE Plot Twist Yet"

Former WWE wrestler Chris Benoit was found dead Tuesday, the instigator of an apparent murder/suicide that may be the most exciting thing to happen to professional wrestling entertainment since WrestleMania. Hundreds of delinquent, illiterate teens gathered outside the police tape at Benoit's Fayetteville, Georgia home to cheer on their hero.

"He just always makes it look so real!" marvelled Tony Porter, a lifelong fan of Benoit's work and muscular physique.

"For them to have him whack his entire family with folding chairs--that's just great writing!" crowed Chuck Hanson, pumping his fist enthusiastically in the air, proudly displaying a sweat-stained wristband that Benoit himself threw into the crowd following his WCW World Heavyweight Championship win in 2000. "This is a helluva way for my man to stage his comeback!"

The growing throng of fans milled about, hoping to catch a further glimpse of the crime scene, as the sound of camera phones snapped in the air along with speculation: "Five bucks says that Booker T is behind this!" "I can't wait for McMahon to write the next chapter of this shit!"

Police investigators say that eyewitnesses "could have sworn" that the folding chairs actually DID hit their intended targets, but if the man wielding the chair was a "perfeshunnal wrassler" that maybe he did pull his punches a bit.

Anyone at DW2K7 could have jumped off the top rope for a whopping 120 points, but we didn't see it coming, since we know that steroids don't have an effect on mood and that wrestling is all totally real.

Bob Evans: Dead on the Farm

Restauranteur/sadistic pig-killer Bob Evans died today of complications from pneumonia. Mr. Evans turned a tiny southern-Ohio truck stop into a nation-wide chain of meat-purveying breakfast joints that clogged his bank account with cash just like his food clogged his customers' arteries.

A spokesman for the Evans family said that Mr. Evan's small intestines will be cleaned out and stuffed with sage-laden pork bits to be served at the next family barbecue in accordance with his will. The family anticipates that Mr. Evans will be delicious.

No Deathwatch 2007 players had the foresight to anticipate the death of a man whose name is synonymous with fatty foods.

A Grim Reaper TwoForTuesday: Two Toms to Tomtom in a Too-Tight Tommy Tomb Tonight

Tom Poston Needed a New Hart?
Poston, the classic everyman performer best known for his performances on Mork & Mindy and Newhart has died at the age of 85. Oddly enough, Tom and Suzanne Pleshette got married a few years back simply because they were each the only living people that either of them knew. That Poston always would nail anything with a heartbeat...though I've seen corpses that are way hotter than Pleshette has been since about half past menopause.

Tommy Newsom-thing Was Wrong When There was Copius Blood in His Urine!
The subsitute band leader for The Tonight Show, Newsom was ironically dubbed "Mr Excitement" by Johnny Carson for his calm demeanor. Newsom was once quoted as saying, "Sorry, Johnny, that I didn't wear the gayest sequined coats on the planet like your flip boy Doc!" Newsom, 78, died of both liver AND bladder cancer. Gee, I wonder if this guy ever hit the sauce? Or perhaps Tommy never actually imbibed, but rather was slain by secondhand gin fumes blasted from the business end of raging alcoholic Doc Severinsen's trumpet?


Despite my generosity at giving you folks a twin spin, nobody put in a request for either of these dead stacks o' wax.

"Dead"eye Kurt

Famed American author Kurt Vonnegut, 84, has died of brain injuries sustained in a recent fall. He wrote several excellent novels (in Death's humble opinion), including Slaughterhouse-Five, Breakfast of Champions, and Deadeye Dick. I liked him, so reaping him gave me no pleasure, nor do I have anything witty to say. Dying from brain injuries from a fall is a pretty shitty ending, though. He should get a re-write.

Death Outcoaches Eddie Robinson

Eddie Robinson, gridiron icon and legendary Grambling football coach, has passed at age 88. Throughout his extensive career, he broke both barriers (racial) and records (400 wins). Hell, the damn stadium at Grambling is named after him, an indication of his greatness. This regular guy from a small school produced over 200 NFL players!

This should have been an easy twelve, since he had Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, nobody but Jesus picked Coach in this draft.

Bowie Kuhn Goes Down Looking. Nobody Cares.

Former Major League Baseball Commish Bowie Kuhn took a respiratory called strike three today (heart problem, heart surgery, lung problems--YER OUT!)

No score.

Yawn.

Brad Delp, Lead Singer of 70's Band Boston, Closes His Eyes and Slips Away.

Brad Delp the man behind the powerful, high-pitched vocals of 70's rock band, Boston, passed away of undisclosed causes this week.

Delp, described by nearly everyone as "the nicest guy in rock-n-roll," was engaged to be married to his longtime girlfriend this summer, during what would have been a break in a busy touring schedule with Boston.

Nobody on DW2K7 had "More Than a Feeling" that the 55-year-old lead singer would pass this year.

EDIT: MARCH 15, SUICIDE! Delp sealed himself into a bathroom with two charcoal grills that were both "Smokin!" and the CO finished him off...he even left two suicide notes. So that's 90 points left on the back burner.

Richard Jeni has had bad aim.

Suicide was apparently not painless for comedian Richard Jeni last night. Pulling the trigger on his own face, the funnyman didn't quite complete the job correctly, leaving himself alive until he arrived at the hospital.

O.K., so he earned some cred from me by using a gun (no false attempts at O.D.'ing or hanging--Britney, I'm looking your way here...) So I guess we have to assume that he just missed a point-blank shot at a stationary target? I don't mean to disparage the man's final act, but if reports are right, he shot himself in the face. Wouldn't you go for the roof of the mouth or the temple? Or are those just movie cliches?

The 49-year-old comedian would have delivered a 98-point punchline for DeathWatchers, but none of us bought a ticket to Jeni's final set.

"Cap" gets capped

Steve Rogers, better known by his superhero moniker Captain America, was shot and killed on the steps of the New York Federal Courthouse, reports The Daily Bugle. Rogers suffered several gunshot wounds from an unknown assailant, likely a sniper perched atop one of the adjacent buildings. 'Cap', as he was affectionately known, owed his powers to a super soldier serum given to him as part of the secret military project known as Operation: Rebirth. The hero, who at one time had battled the NAZI war machine and the terrorist cell lead by The Red Skull, was in the custody of U.S. Marshals at the time of the shooting. An opponent to the recent Superhuman Registration Act, he was a fugitive, but had turned himself in out of fear that innocent civilians were being hurt by his rebellion.

Rogers has never been married and has no known living relatives. He was 66.

The DeathWatchers may have Marveled over the loss of this classic crime fighter, but none of them dared include them in their list. This may have something to do with him being a fictional character.

Dennis Johnson Couldn't Face Life Without "The O.C."

Former NBA great Dennis "DJ" Johnson died of unknown causes on Thursday at the age of 52. How good was this guy? Larry Bird called him "the best I ever played with." Not too shabby for a kid who literally came up straight outta Compton.

In recent years, DJ had been coaching teams in the NBA's developmental league. It was at the end of a practice for his current team, the Austin Toros, that Johnson collapsed and died.

Some may think it was a stroke or some such physical malady that killed DJ. Sources close to Johnson know the real story: when he realized that he'd see no more new episodes, he knew that even he didn't have the courage to face a post-O.C. world. Frankly, I'm surprised there weren't more O.C.-related deaths yesterday. Will Seth and Summer get married? Which show will debut new songs from aspiring hip young artists now? Sweet Christ, I'm trembling as I type this with just the thought of all the questions left unanswered.

Nobody from "The D.W." hit this surprising passing, clanging 48 points right off the front iron.