Boris Dies, Natasha Vows to Continue Hunt for Moose and Squirrel

Former Russian Leader Boris Yeltsin has died of heart failure at the age of 76.

When not busy swilling vodka or wearing fur, Yeltsin gulped down spoonfuls of lard, in an attempt to achieve complete coronary artery blockage with simultaneous Absolut liver shutdown. Sadly, his heart gave out while his liver was still 4% functional.

Roger Mortis scores 24 points by choosing our Smirnoff-soaked statesman stiff and is starting to gain on the leaders!

"Tiny Bubbles" Burst: Ho's Heart Follows Suit

Don Ho died of heart failure in Hawaii on Saturday. I know that he sang "Tiny Bubbles." I know that he most likely sang some other stuff, but I have no idea what. I know that he is dead, and I know that he was 76. Somehow, though, he's famous enough from one crappy song from 40 years ago that everyone of a certain age knows who this guy is! Maybe it's from his guest appearances on Fantasy Island that we know him??

Don Imus reacted to the singer's death, saying, "Now that's one happy deaded Ho."

Defending Champion Roger Mortis and The Crippler score the second hit of the year and earn 24 points for our fallen ukelele hero.

"Dead"eye Kurt

Famed American author Kurt Vonnegut, 84, has died of brain injuries sustained in a recent fall. He wrote several excellent novels (in Death's humble opinion), including Slaughterhouse-Five, Breakfast of Champions, and Deadeye Dick. I liked him, so reaping him gave me no pleasure, nor do I have anything witty to say. Dying from brain injuries from a fall is a pretty shitty ending, though. He should get a re-write.

Death Outcoaches Eddie Robinson

Eddie Robinson, gridiron icon and legendary Grambling football coach, has passed at age 88. Throughout his extensive career, he broke both barriers (racial) and records (400 wins). Hell, the damn stadium at Grambling is named after him, an indication of his greatness. This regular guy from a small school produced over 200 NFL players!

This should have been an easy twelve, since he had Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, nobody but Jesus picked Coach in this draft.