Benoit Murder/Suicide Called "Best WWE Plot Twist Yet"

Former WWE wrestler Chris Benoit was found dead Tuesday, the instigator of an apparent murder/suicide that may be the most exciting thing to happen to professional wrestling entertainment since WrestleMania. Hundreds of delinquent, illiterate teens gathered outside the police tape at Benoit's Fayetteville, Georgia home to cheer on their hero.

"He just always makes it look so real!" marvelled Tony Porter, a lifelong fan of Benoit's work and muscular physique.

"For them to have him whack his entire family with folding chairs--that's just great writing!" crowed Chuck Hanson, pumping his fist enthusiastically in the air, proudly displaying a sweat-stained wristband that Benoit himself threw into the crowd following his WCW World Heavyweight Championship win in 2000. "This is a helluva way for my man to stage his comeback!"

The growing throng of fans milled about, hoping to catch a further glimpse of the crime scene, as the sound of camera phones snapped in the air along with speculation: "Five bucks says that Booker T is behind this!" "I can't wait for McMahon to write the next chapter of this shit!"

Police investigators say that eyewitnesses "could have sworn" that the folding chairs actually DID hit their intended targets, but if the man wielding the chair was a "perfeshunnal wrassler" that maybe he did pull his punches a bit.

Anyone at DW2K7 could have jumped off the top rope for a whopping 120 points, but we didn't see it coming, since we know that steroids don't have an effect on mood and that wrestling is all totally real.

Bob Evans: Dead on the Farm

Restauranteur/sadistic pig-killer Bob Evans died today of complications from pneumonia. Mr. Evans turned a tiny southern-Ohio truck stop into a nation-wide chain of meat-purveying breakfast joints that clogged his bank account with cash just like his food clogged his customers' arteries.

A spokesman for the Evans family said that Mr. Evan's small intestines will be cleaned out and stuffed with sage-laden pork bits to be served at the next family barbecue in accordance with his will. The family anticipates that Mr. Evans will be delicious.

No Deathwatch 2007 players had the foresight to anticipate the death of a man whose name is synonymous with fatty foods.

Waldheim Goose-Steps Into Oblivion

For some men, the honor and glory of having their peers elect them to the captaincy of their VFW bowling team is a dream beyond their puny reach. Others achieve international recognition and yearn for still more. Such a man was Kurt Waldheim. A career diplomat, Mr. Waldheim was eventually elected to the post of Secretary-General of the United Nations, a job that carries with it incredible importance and comes with a dental plan and every other Friday off. But this was not enough for our ambitious Austrian. No, when his time at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza was up, Waldheim returned home and ran a successful campaign for the Austrian presidency, largely on a campaign promise to put more wiener in the wiener schnitzel. Then, at the height of his career, someone took a big steaming shit on his legacy by outing Waldheim as a former Nazi. Funny how a little thing like that comes back to bite you in the ass.

Anyway, Waldheim kicked it this week. He died of apparent heart failure at 88. The Waldheim family vehemently denies that Mr. Waldheim died while jacking it to the "Lonely Goatherd" scene in The Sound of Music.

Roger Mortis scores twelve beautiful points off the corpse of this dead Nazi.