Bill Walsh Pioneers "Death Ghost Offense*" Scheme

Bill Walsh, considered by some to be one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, died of leukemia today at age 75. Walsh was noted for innovation and quick results on the field. As good as he was between the lines, the people who knew him best say he was not to be outdone by his peers in life off the gridiron, either.

"Walsh wanted to die the way he lived; doing things on his terms and by his timetable." said Jerry Rice, a former Walsh player with the 49ers, "Bill heard that other old coaches had lived too long, lingering well into their 90's before dying. Not Bill Walsh. He was having none of that."

Working toward his own end, in 2005, Walsh devised a revolutionary end-of-life scheme that mixed strong, powerful diseases with short, conservative treatments; two strategies that had never been combined before, but which produced immediate results.

Joe Montana, the quarterback of the Walsh-built San Francisco 49ers, said of his coach, "Bill made us proud today. Two years ago, he was perfectly healthy, and now, only months later, BOOM, here we are."

Deathwatchers missed out on almost four touchdowns worth of points for the fallen coach.

*Is "West Coast Death-fense" funnier? I didn't think so.

For the 'Late, Late' Tom Snyder, Life Imitates Career

Tom Snyder, affable host of "The Tomorrow Show," and the "Late, Late Show" has passed away after a long struggle with leukemia. Snyder last appeared on television in 1998, when he was replaced by Craig Kilborn.

Tom Snyder always seemed to me like a relatively normal celebrity who hadn't let fame get to him. He'd drink and smoke on-set, and laugh way too loud. His interviews always seemed off the cuff. My grandparents liked him. To folks of my era, he seemed a little curmudgeonly, a little out of touch, but he also seemed kind of like a nice uncle, with whom you might not agree politically, but with whom you could have a friendly conversation during the holidays.

I always found his catchphrase to be original and fun: "Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air." OK, so it's a phrase written by a guy who was born before television existed. At least it's a little more thought-provoking than, "Seacrest, OUT."

Snyder was 71. Deathwatchers did not anticipate the cancellation of Snyder's life, and missed out on 29 points. Craig Kilborn will be moving into Snyder's house and having sex with his widow by sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Snyder Scores Exclusive Interview with Satan

Tom Snyder, former host of both Tomorrow on NBC and The Late, Late Show on CBS scooped all of his network peers by landing the first one-on-one interview with Satan since Jesus sat down with the Head Demon for a chat about temptation.

Snyder, who hadn't had a regular TV gig since CBS ousted him in favor of Craig Kilborne (?!?) in 1998, was ecstatic about this "get".

Asked what he had to do to get Satan to agree to an interview, Snyder replied, "Oh, I just had to die of Leukemia."

Members of DW2K7 didn't realize Snyder was pursuing this interview, so Snyder's 29 points go unclaimed.

Smart-Ass Prick Dies

Ingmar Bergman, that asshole director who thought he was so-o-o clever for putting that fricking scene in that fricking movie where Max Von Sydow beats Death at a game of goddamn chess, finally got what was coming to him. That's right, people. Y'see what you get when you try to make Death look like a chump who can't even beat an actor at a simple board game? Huh? You get Death.

You want to make it seem like any yutz soldier can stave off the inevitable because he knows how to castle? Well then look out, 'cause Death is going to come gunning for you. And, yeah, if my plate's a little full, it might take me forty-nine years after the insult to get around to you, but make no mistake, I never forget someone who pisses me off.

So all I gotta say is, Michael Bay better not pull any similar kind of stunt. 'Cause I'll show him what's "more than meets the eye."

None of you DW2k7 schmucks had the foresight to know that Bergman was a marked man.

Tammy Faye Messner

Former televangelism superstar Tammy Faye Messner was called home by Jesus The Lord Almighty. One assumes it was because he was so enamoured of her "look" that he wanted her as an eye-liner consultant in heaven.

Having seen, and enjoyed, The Eyes of Tammy Faye, I'm actually a little less inclined to hurl invective at this lady than I am at other people who make themselves rich pretending to heal cripples and shouting about Christ with really shitty music in the background.

So I'll just say that Thanatos Therapeuticus scored a tidy little 35 points off of Tammy Faye's passing.

Lady Bird Johnson; First Lady, Genetic Freak

Scientists today completed an autopsy on former First Lady Lady Bird Johnson, who died this week at age 94, and determined that she was, in fact, half-woman and half-bird. Dr. Ezekiel Carmichael, a physiologist who worked on the case in conjunction with the Travis County Medical Examiner's office, commented, "Yeah, everyone thought it was just a nickname or something, but, as God is my witness, that old lady had hollow bones. I shit you not."

Dr. Carmichael says the medical team is now trying to determine if Mrs. Johnson was "...the product of early experiments in genetic manipulation or if her dad just boned a sparrow."

A spokesman for the Johnson family told the media on Thursday that Mrs. Johnson died after being chased around the living room by the family cat. At press time, the family was considering burying her in a large cardboard shoebox in the back yard.

Finger of Death and Salmon Mousse both score a whopping six points off of this terrible tragedy.

Fat Lady Sings Sang

Beverly Sills, best known for an appearance on The Muppet Show in 1979, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 78.

Although most Americans are not familiar with her work outside of The Muppet Show, Ms. Sills was, the Associated Press is saying, a singer of some sort. When asked if she'd ever performed with Justin Timberlake, a spokesman for Ms. Sills' estate began crying.

Whoever she was, Muppet-lovers across the country are in mourning for "that one guest who sang and shit. I think maybe her name was Shields? Or Yarnell? Pass me the bong."

No player on DW2K7 was aware enough of Ms. Sills' life to have predicted her death.