Lady Bird Johnson; First Lady, Genetic Freak

Scientists today completed an autopsy on former First Lady Lady Bird Johnson, who died this week at age 94, and determined that she was, in fact, half-woman and half-bird. Dr. Ezekiel Carmichael, a physiologist who worked on the case in conjunction with the Travis County Medical Examiner's office, commented, "Yeah, everyone thought it was just a nickname or something, but, as God is my witness, that old lady had hollow bones. I shit you not."

Dr. Carmichael says the medical team is now trying to determine if Mrs. Johnson was "...the product of early experiments in genetic manipulation or if her dad just boned a sparrow."

A spokesman for the Johnson family told the media on Thursday that Mrs. Johnson died after being chased around the living room by the family cat. At press time, the family was considering burying her in a large cardboard shoebox in the back yard.

Finger of Death and Salmon Mousse both score a whopping six points off of this terrible tragedy.