Goulet Finally Nails Death Scene

"Entertainer" Robert Goulet has passed away at age 73. Acting coach and longtime friend Dr. Richard I. Chamberlain praised Goulet's new 'method' approach. "This time, he didn't ham it up as much as he usually does. In the past, he would crank out these excruciating death monologues. This time, the breathing tube really restricted him to something of a muted gurgle...very convincing...very 'noir.'"

The not-quite-French-Canadian baritone inexplicably became famous for his extremely limited acting and vocal ranges. Goulet's agent, Sheldon Krantz, speculated on Goulet's fame, "In those days, entertainment was filled with people who could actually sing and act. Hollywood really needed someone who could be a loud, over-the-top caricature all the time. America wanted someone who could act like a washed-up has-been before he had even 'been.' Robert provided all of those things...a talentless--yet arrogant--hack. I'll miss that bombastic shmuck."

Death will certainly interrupt Goulet's Halloween dark ritual of attempting to re-animate his career by consuming the souls of gifted actors and vocalists.