Dark Lord Finally Calls In Marker on Rizzuto's Soul

More than a half a century ago, Phil Rizzuto sold his soul to the devil in a steal of a deal: seven World Series titles. Which just goes to show you how bad inflation has gotten when people like O.J. trade their souls in nowadays and only get a measly double-homicide acquittal.

Now look, I don't traffic in souls, I merely reap them when it's time. But between you and me, I think the Scooter's claim ticket must have fallen behind the counter down in H-E-double hockey sticks.

Speculation around the nether plane is that when Satan's beer league softball team fell two games behind the rival Christtown Jesuses, that Satan finally remembered to "draft" Scooter into eternal fiery service.

I haven't been this giddy since I painted blue skies and clouds on the side of the building that Cory Lidle slammed into last autumn. EFF THE YANKEES!!

Yankee-hater and former shortstop Kerberos finally breaks out of his slump and earns a robust 11 points for knowing that Rizzuto had Holied his last Cow.

Explain to Me, Please...

...exactly how the living hell this happens?

Merv Griffin died today. 82 years old, famous for both his eponymous talk show and for creating both Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy (in addition to actually writing the "Final Jeopardy" theme music itself.)

How in God's name is it possible that nobody among the DW2K7 players had this guy picked? Someone like Beverly Sills, I can see. 'Cause who gives a damn about opera. But Merv? How could we not have seen this one coming?

I am baffled. Anyway, as Mr. Griffin shuffles off to sit on the guest couch on God's talk show, the 18 points he left behind go unclaimed.

Bill Walsh Pioneers "Death Ghost Offense*" Scheme

Bill Walsh, considered by some to be one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, died of leukemia today at age 75. Walsh was noted for innovation and quick results on the field. As good as he was between the lines, the people who knew him best say he was not to be outdone by his peers in life off the gridiron, either.

"Walsh wanted to die the way he lived; doing things on his terms and by his timetable." said Jerry Rice, a former Walsh player with the 49ers, "Bill heard that other old coaches had lived too long, lingering well into their 90's before dying. Not Bill Walsh. He was having none of that."

Working toward his own end, in 2005, Walsh devised a revolutionary end-of-life scheme that mixed strong, powerful diseases with short, conservative treatments; two strategies that had never been combined before, but which produced immediate results.

Joe Montana, the quarterback of the Walsh-built San Francisco 49ers, said of his coach, "Bill made us proud today. Two years ago, he was perfectly healthy, and now, only months later, BOOM, here we are."

Deathwatchers missed out on almost four touchdowns worth of points for the fallen coach.

*Is "West Coast Death-fense" funnier? I didn't think so.

For the 'Late, Late' Tom Snyder, Life Imitates Career

Tom Snyder, affable host of "The Tomorrow Show," and the "Late, Late Show" has passed away after a long struggle with leukemia. Snyder last appeared on television in 1998, when he was replaced by Craig Kilborn.

Tom Snyder always seemed to me like a relatively normal celebrity who hadn't let fame get to him. He'd drink and smoke on-set, and laugh way too loud. His interviews always seemed off the cuff. My grandparents liked him. To folks of my era, he seemed a little curmudgeonly, a little out of touch, but he also seemed kind of like a nice uncle, with whom you might not agree politically, but with whom you could have a friendly conversation during the holidays.

I always found his catchphrase to be original and fun: "Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air." OK, so it's a phrase written by a guy who was born before television existed. At least it's a little more thought-provoking than, "Seacrest, OUT."

Snyder was 71. Deathwatchers did not anticipate the cancellation of Snyder's life, and missed out on 29 points. Craig Kilborn will be moving into Snyder's house and having sex with his widow by sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Snyder Scores Exclusive Interview with Satan

Tom Snyder, former host of both Tomorrow on NBC and The Late, Late Show on CBS scooped all of his network peers by landing the first one-on-one interview with Satan since Jesus sat down with the Head Demon for a chat about temptation.

Snyder, who hadn't had a regular TV gig since CBS ousted him in favor of Craig Kilborne (?!?) in 1998, was ecstatic about this "get".

Asked what he had to do to get Satan to agree to an interview, Snyder replied, "Oh, I just had to die of Leukemia."

Members of DW2K7 didn't realize Snyder was pursuing this interview, so Snyder's 29 points go unclaimed.

Smart-Ass Prick Dies

Ingmar Bergman, that asshole director who thought he was so-o-o clever for putting that fricking scene in that fricking movie where Max Von Sydow beats Death at a game of goddamn chess, finally got what was coming to him. That's right, people. Y'see what you get when you try to make Death look like a chump who can't even beat an actor at a simple board game? Huh? You get Death.

You want to make it seem like any yutz soldier can stave off the inevitable because he knows how to castle? Well then look out, 'cause Death is going to come gunning for you. And, yeah, if my plate's a little full, it might take me forty-nine years after the insult to get around to you, but make no mistake, I never forget someone who pisses me off.

So all I gotta say is, Michael Bay better not pull any similar kind of stunt. 'Cause I'll show him what's "more than meets the eye."

None of you DW2k7 schmucks had the foresight to know that Bergman was a marked man.

Tammy Faye Messner

Former televangelism superstar Tammy Faye Messner was called home by Jesus The Lord Almighty. One assumes it was because he was so enamoured of her "look" that he wanted her as an eye-liner consultant in heaven.

Having seen, and enjoyed, The Eyes of Tammy Faye, I'm actually a little less inclined to hurl invective at this lady than I am at other people who make themselves rich pretending to heal cripples and shouting about Christ with really shitty music in the background.

So I'll just say that Thanatos Therapeuticus scored a tidy little 35 points off of Tammy Faye's passing.

Lady Bird Johnson; First Lady, Genetic Freak

Scientists today completed an autopsy on former First Lady Lady Bird Johnson, who died this week at age 94, and determined that she was, in fact, half-woman and half-bird. Dr. Ezekiel Carmichael, a physiologist who worked on the case in conjunction with the Travis County Medical Examiner's office, commented, "Yeah, everyone thought it was just a nickname or something, but, as God is my witness, that old lady had hollow bones. I shit you not."

Dr. Carmichael says the medical team is now trying to determine if Mrs. Johnson was "...the product of early experiments in genetic manipulation or if her dad just boned a sparrow."

A spokesman for the Johnson family told the media on Thursday that Mrs. Johnson died after being chased around the living room by the family cat. At press time, the family was considering burying her in a large cardboard shoebox in the back yard.

Finger of Death and Salmon Mousse both score a whopping six points off of this terrible tragedy.

Fat Lady Sings Sang

Beverly Sills, best known for an appearance on The Muppet Show in 1979, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 78.

Although most Americans are not familiar with her work outside of The Muppet Show, Ms. Sills was, the Associated Press is saying, a singer of some sort. When asked if she'd ever performed with Justin Timberlake, a spokesman for Ms. Sills' estate began crying.

Whoever she was, Muppet-lovers across the country are in mourning for "that one guest who sang and shit. I think maybe her name was Shields? Or Yarnell? Pass me the bong."

No player on DW2K7 was aware enough of Ms. Sills' life to have predicted her death.

Benoit Murder/Suicide Called "Best WWE Plot Twist Yet"

Former WWE wrestler Chris Benoit was found dead Tuesday, the instigator of an apparent murder/suicide that may be the most exciting thing to happen to professional wrestling entertainment since WrestleMania. Hundreds of delinquent, illiterate teens gathered outside the police tape at Benoit's Fayetteville, Georgia home to cheer on their hero.

"He just always makes it look so real!" marvelled Tony Porter, a lifelong fan of Benoit's work and muscular physique.

"For them to have him whack his entire family with folding chairs--that's just great writing!" crowed Chuck Hanson, pumping his fist enthusiastically in the air, proudly displaying a sweat-stained wristband that Benoit himself threw into the crowd following his WCW World Heavyweight Championship win in 2000. "This is a helluva way for my man to stage his comeback!"

The growing throng of fans milled about, hoping to catch a further glimpse of the crime scene, as the sound of camera phones snapped in the air along with speculation: "Five bucks says that Booker T is behind this!" "I can't wait for McMahon to write the next chapter of this shit!"

Police investigators say that eyewitnesses "could have sworn" that the folding chairs actually DID hit their intended targets, but if the man wielding the chair was a "perfeshunnal wrassler" that maybe he did pull his punches a bit.

Anyone at DW2K7 could have jumped off the top rope for a whopping 120 points, but we didn't see it coming, since we know that steroids don't have an effect on mood and that wrestling is all totally real.

Bob Evans: Dead on the Farm

Restauranteur/sadistic pig-killer Bob Evans died today of complications from pneumonia. Mr. Evans turned a tiny southern-Ohio truck stop into a nation-wide chain of meat-purveying breakfast joints that clogged his bank account with cash just like his food clogged his customers' arteries.

A spokesman for the Evans family said that Mr. Evan's small intestines will be cleaned out and stuffed with sage-laden pork bits to be served at the next family barbecue in accordance with his will. The family anticipates that Mr. Evans will be delicious.

No Deathwatch 2007 players had the foresight to anticipate the death of a man whose name is synonymous with fatty foods.

Waldheim Goose-Steps Into Oblivion

For some men, the honor and glory of having their peers elect them to the captaincy of their VFW bowling team is a dream beyond their puny reach. Others achieve international recognition and yearn for still more. Such a man was Kurt Waldheim. A career diplomat, Mr. Waldheim was eventually elected to the post of Secretary-General of the United Nations, a job that carries with it incredible importance and comes with a dental plan and every other Friday off. But this was not enough for our ambitious Austrian. No, when his time at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza was up, Waldheim returned home and ran a successful campaign for the Austrian presidency, largely on a campaign promise to put more wiener in the wiener schnitzel. Then, at the height of his career, someone took a big steaming shit on his legacy by outing Waldheim as a former Nazi. Funny how a little thing like that comes back to bite you in the ass.

Anyway, Waldheim kicked it this week. He died of apparent heart failure at 88. The Waldheim family vehemently denies that Mr. Waldheim died while jacking it to the "Lonely Goatherd" scene in The Sound of Music.

Roger Mortis scores twelve beautiful points off the corpse of this dead Nazi.

Charles Nelson Reilly is BLANK.

Charles Nelson Reilly, the Tony-winning comic actor who once held the title of "Gayest Man on the Planet" (he was succeeded by Richard Simmons), has died at age 76. Reilly is probably best known to children of the 70's as a frequent panelist on the television show Match Game. Let us be clear: in the history of mankind, nobody made sexual double entendre like this man did. We have lost a legend.

While he credits game show appearances with ending his acting career, it was pneumonia that ultimately ended his life. One can take some solace in knowing that Reilly lived long enough to see Jerry Falwell (a.k.a. The Assmaster General) die.

Long before yukking it up in the top row with his own personal hag Brett Somers, the most flamboyantly gay man ever seen on television had already set Broadway on fire. In 1962, he won the Tony award for his role in the play "How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying."

Fittingly, Death By Creamy Liquid chose Reilly to match the Grim Reaper in the final round of his life, and will earn 24 points.

Falwell DEAD: Thinking People Around the World Rejoice!

OK, look. If you liked Jerry Fallwell, let me first invite you to have rough, spiteful sex with yourself! Done with that? Then allow me to politely ask that you never return to my site. Seriously, bugger off.

With that out of the way, I am so psyched that this holier-than-thou sh1tpiece of a man has finally done us all a favor and stopped breathing. This human butt-plug made it his personal mission to make up fairy tales in order to fleece the innocent and simple-minded.

If you aren't familiar with FuckKnuckles McGee, as his friends called him, here are some of his greatest hits:
(Keep in mind that these are things that he said OUT LOUD...what is he keeping to himself?)
*Falwell asserted that when The Antichrist ("The Beast") comes, he "must be, of necessity, a Jewish male"

*During the Civil Rights Movement Falwell was a supporter of racial segregation. He said this about Martin Luther King, "I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King..."

*As for homosexuality, Falwell remarked, "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals."

And that's just scratching the surface of his insane assholery.

Sure, there are plenty of uneducated buffoons with the above beliefs, but this pigfucker actually acquired the means to perpetuate these views through a "school" called Liberty University. Liberty University is the Taliban of colleges. When one steps on campus at Liberty, one expects John Lithgow to jump out from the bushes and stop everyone from dancing. Calling Liberty University a school is like calling The Third Reich a social club. Paying tuition to Liberty U. is akin to paying $14,000 per year to eat endless buckets brimming with human feces.

Falwell disgraced humankind on this earth for 73 years. Thanatos Therapeuticus knew that Jerry would be "called home" this year. Our resident master of death therapy picked six evangelists this year. I hope he goes six for six.

27 points for T.T.'s excellent call!

*Yawn*

Would someone effing die already? It's been two weeks since anything interesting happened. Accidental overdose anyone? Freak car/plane/tricycle accident? Hunting trip with Dick Cheney?

Seriously, I've got a fever and the only cure is more cowbell death.

A Grim Reaper TwoForTuesday: Two Toms to Tomtom in a Too-Tight Tommy Tomb Tonight

Tom Poston Needed a New Hart?
Poston, the classic everyman performer best known for his performances on Mork & Mindy and Newhart has died at the age of 85. Oddly enough, Tom and Suzanne Pleshette got married a few years back simply because they were each the only living people that either of them knew. That Poston always would nail anything with a heartbeat...though I've seen corpses that are way hotter than Pleshette has been since about half past menopause.

Tommy Newsom-thing Was Wrong When There was Copius Blood in His Urine!
The subsitute band leader for The Tonight Show, Newsom was ironically dubbed "Mr Excitement" by Johnny Carson for his calm demeanor. Newsom was once quoted as saying, "Sorry, Johnny, that I didn't wear the gayest sequined coats on the planet like your flip boy Doc!" Newsom, 78, died of both liver AND bladder cancer. Gee, I wonder if this guy ever hit the sauce? Or perhaps Tommy never actually imbibed, but rather was slain by secondhand gin fumes blasted from the business end of raging alcoholic Doc Severinsen's trumpet?


Despite my generosity at giving you folks a twin spin, nobody put in a request for either of these dead stacks o' wax.

Boris Dies, Natasha Vows to Continue Hunt for Moose and Squirrel

Former Russian Leader Boris Yeltsin has died of heart failure at the age of 76.

When not busy swilling vodka or wearing fur, Yeltsin gulped down spoonfuls of lard, in an attempt to achieve complete coronary artery blockage with simultaneous Absolut liver shutdown. Sadly, his heart gave out while his liver was still 4% functional.

Roger Mortis scores 24 points by choosing our Smirnoff-soaked statesman stiff and is starting to gain on the leaders!

"Tiny Bubbles" Burst: Ho's Heart Follows Suit

Don Ho died of heart failure in Hawaii on Saturday. I know that he sang "Tiny Bubbles." I know that he most likely sang some other stuff, but I have no idea what. I know that he is dead, and I know that he was 76. Somehow, though, he's famous enough from one crappy song from 40 years ago that everyone of a certain age knows who this guy is! Maybe it's from his guest appearances on Fantasy Island that we know him??

Don Imus reacted to the singer's death, saying, "Now that's one happy deaded Ho."

Defending Champion Roger Mortis and The Crippler score the second hit of the year and earn 24 points for our fallen ukelele hero.

"Dead"eye Kurt

Famed American author Kurt Vonnegut, 84, has died of brain injuries sustained in a recent fall. He wrote several excellent novels (in Death's humble opinion), including Slaughterhouse-Five, Breakfast of Champions, and Deadeye Dick. I liked him, so reaping him gave me no pleasure, nor do I have anything witty to say. Dying from brain injuries from a fall is a pretty shitty ending, though. He should get a re-write.

Death Outcoaches Eddie Robinson

Eddie Robinson, gridiron icon and legendary Grambling football coach, has passed at age 88. Throughout his extensive career, he broke both barriers (racial) and records (400 wins). Hell, the damn stadium at Grambling is named after him, an indication of his greatness. This regular guy from a small school produced over 200 NFL players!

This should have been an easy twelve, since he had Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, nobody but Jesus picked Coach in this draft.