Maybe He Was Just Trying to Knock the Ugly Off of Her?

It's official. As of December 12, Ike really won't hit Tina no more. Ike Turner, musician drug abuser, band leader alcoholic, talent scout abusive husband and father, and record producer convict, died at the age of 76.

Rumor has it that Turner fell ill, though not dangerously so, but in a cruel twist of fate, died from overexertion when he tried in vain to violently backhand his hospital-visiting ex-wife.

Ike "discovered" Tina in the early 1960's and started her inexplicable rise to stardom. I use quotes around "discovered," because meeting Tina had to have been the same type of "discovery" one has when one has forgotten to flush the toilet after a violent bowel movement, only to come back hours later to find his/her own decomposing feces waiting for him/her. Thanks a lot for finding Tina, Ike. And by "thanks a lot," I mean, "Go fuck yourself."

Rock-n-Roll Suicide scores his first ever DeathWatch points (24) with Ike's welcome passing. Congratulations, RnR -- welcome to the big board!

Evel's Casket Modded So He May Continue to Fail for All Eternity

Evel Knievel passed away last week from complications of being a degenerate, drunk, Hepatitis C-ridden, faux-born-again one-trick-pony. When not busy miscalculating physics and grossly missing jumps (courtesy of a high school dropout's education,) the galactically stupid Knievel liked to drink, abuse women and/or children, vote members of the Bush family into public office, miss even MORE jumps, and overdose on painkillers.

While Knievel seemingly wasn't afraid of my grim touch, he appeared to be deathly afraid of how my boy, J.Christ, would view his seven decades of wasted life. Knowing death was coming soon, Evel was publicly "saved" in early 2007 on televangelist Robert H. Schuller's *cough* douche *cough* Hour of Power television program. I call bullshit. What a complete Nancy. So much for going out in a blaze of glory and leaving a pretty corpse.

Death By Creamy Liquid slurps down 31 points worth of marrow from the broken bones left from Knievel's crash landing into eternal Hell. Good riddance.

Please, Don't Squeeze the Reaper!

Actor Dick Wilson*, a.k.a. Charmin's anal-retentive, squeeze-o-phobic grocer, "Mr. Whipple," died last week at the age of 91. When not busy policing middle-aged women trying to cop a feel of his beloved toilet tissue, Wilson played forgettable parts in even more forgettable television shows. Wilson's character, Whipple, exhibited classic conservative Republican behavior in that he publicly railed against a particular behavior (in this case 'squeezing the Charmin') only to then particpate lustily in the forbidden frolic the moment nobody was looking. If only Whipple had known that while he was in there hugging his TP, he could have just tapped his foot under the stall divider...

Through the years, Wilson also did a recurring guest spot on Bewitched, which makes him the third dead alternate-lifestyles Dick from that show!

Nobody managed to 'squeeze' out the meager 9 points from his being 'wiped' out.

*Seriously, if I put a hyperlink in here, would ANYONE follow it?

Goulet Finally Nails Death Scene

"Entertainer" Robert Goulet has passed away at age 73. Acting coach and longtime friend Dr. Richard I. Chamberlain praised Goulet's new 'method' approach. "This time, he didn't ham it up as much as he usually does. In the past, he would crank out these excruciating death monologues. This time, the breathing tube really restricted him to something of a muted gurgle...very convincing...very 'noir.'"

The not-quite-French-Canadian baritone inexplicably became famous for his extremely limited acting and vocal ranges. Goulet's agent, Sheldon Krantz, speculated on Goulet's fame, "In those days, entertainment was filled with people who could actually sing and act. Hollywood really needed someone who could be a loud, over-the-top caricature all the time. America wanted someone who could act like a washed-up has-been before he had even 'been.' Robert provided all of those things...a talentless--yet arrogant--hack. I'll miss that bombastic shmuck."

Death will certainly interrupt Goulet's Halloween dark ritual of attempting to re-animate his career by consuming the souls of gifted actors and vocalists.

Halloween Reminds Me That Alice Ghostley Is Still Dead and That Nobody Ever Wrote a Story

Spookily-named actress Alice Ghostley has died, and in a perfect coincidence she died within 10 weeks of Halloween!

Ghostley played "Esmerelda" on Bewitched. Ghostley's claim to fame was that she once had sex with both Darrins (despite the homosexuality of one and the severe lower back problems of the other) simultaneously.

BadAssDan gobbles up the sweet sweet candy of her passing: 19 points for the 81-year-old witch. Watch your blood sugar, fool!

Boring Actress Dies Boring Death

Deborah Kerr, star of movies your mom tried to make you watch as a kid, died this week at age 86.

Ms. Kerr starred opposite Yul Brenner in The King & I. You remember that one. Had a bunch of vaguely Asian-looking people singing and you faked being sick so you could go read comic books in your room? She was also in From Here to Eternity. There was that scene where she and Burt Lancaster made out on a beach with the waves washing over them and you wondered how much sand got in their asscracks while shooting it. She was the female lead in An Affair to Remember, the one where your mom sat there with tissues in her hand the whole time and you fell asleep and woke up with drool all over your shirt.

In fact, the only reason you've ever even half paid attention to this lady is to offer your guess in the office debate over whether her name was pronounced like "car" or "cur." You were wrong by the way.

None of the DW2K7ers gave enough of a shit about Ms. Kerr to put her on their list. So she got from here to eternity without our help.

Rat Pack Reunited in Afterlife

With the death of comedian Joey Bishop, who passed away this week at the age of 89, Frank Sinatra's famed Rat Pack was finally reunited in heaven, where they quickly resumed treating Bishop like shit.

Asked to comment on his demise, Bishop said, "I had nine years of relative peace on earth; now I gotta listen to Dean Martin insulting me for eternity. I fucking hate heaven."

DW2K7 participant Kerberos scores a tidy 11 points for remembering that Bishop was still alive to die.

. . .

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Host: Brett Somers is SOOOO dead. Crowd (in unison): How dead is she?

Host: She's so dead that her BLANK is starting to look lively in comparison.
Contestant: I'm gonna go with CAREER, Gene.

Brett Somers, 9-year Match Game panelist, actress, personal hag to recently-dead Charles Nelson Reilly and wife of soon-to-be-dead Jack Klugman, has died of stomach and colon cancer. She was 83 years old. Nobody in DeathWatch thought Somers was still alive, and hence all 17 of her points will stay up there in the top row, center seat.

As we bid farewell to our second Match Game regular of the year, you can almost feel the sweat building on the brow of the last living series regular, Richard Dawson. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you, Rich!

Opera Man...Bye Bye!*

Italian opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died today of pancreatic cancer, shocking millions of his fans who had just assumed he would one day die of a heart attack.


Defending Champion Roger Mortis and current leader Thanatos Therapeuticus both projected that the fat lady man would sing for Pavarotti in 2007. Out of respect, I'll say in sotto voce that they each get 29 points.

*How many of you recognize this reference?

Dark Lord Finally Calls In Marker on Rizzuto's Soul

More than a half a century ago, Phil Rizzuto sold his soul to the devil in a steal of a deal: seven World Series titles. Which just goes to show you how bad inflation has gotten when people like O.J. trade their souls in nowadays and only get a measly double-homicide acquittal.

Now look, I don't traffic in souls, I merely reap them when it's time. But between you and me, I think the Scooter's claim ticket must have fallen behind the counter down in H-E-double hockey sticks.

Speculation around the nether plane is that when Satan's beer league softball team fell two games behind the rival Christtown Jesuses, that Satan finally remembered to "draft" Scooter into eternal fiery service.

I haven't been this giddy since I painted blue skies and clouds on the side of the building that Cory Lidle slammed into last autumn. EFF THE YANKEES!!

Yankee-hater and former shortstop Kerberos finally breaks out of his slump and earns a robust 11 points for knowing that Rizzuto had Holied his last Cow.

Explain to Me, Please...

...exactly how the living hell this happens?

Merv Griffin died today. 82 years old, famous for both his eponymous talk show and for creating both Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy (in addition to actually writing the "Final Jeopardy" theme music itself.)

How in God's name is it possible that nobody among the DW2K7 players had this guy picked? Someone like Beverly Sills, I can see. 'Cause who gives a damn about opera. But Merv? How could we not have seen this one coming?

I am baffled. Anyway, as Mr. Griffin shuffles off to sit on the guest couch on God's talk show, the 18 points he left behind go unclaimed.

Bill Walsh Pioneers "Death Ghost Offense*" Scheme

Bill Walsh, considered by some to be one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, died of leukemia today at age 75. Walsh was noted for innovation and quick results on the field. As good as he was between the lines, the people who knew him best say he was not to be outdone by his peers in life off the gridiron, either.

"Walsh wanted to die the way he lived; doing things on his terms and by his timetable." said Jerry Rice, a former Walsh player with the 49ers, "Bill heard that other old coaches had lived too long, lingering well into their 90's before dying. Not Bill Walsh. He was having none of that."

Working toward his own end, in 2005, Walsh devised a revolutionary end-of-life scheme that mixed strong, powerful diseases with short, conservative treatments; two strategies that had never been combined before, but which produced immediate results.

Joe Montana, the quarterback of the Walsh-built San Francisco 49ers, said of his coach, "Bill made us proud today. Two years ago, he was perfectly healthy, and now, only months later, BOOM, here we are."

Deathwatchers missed out on almost four touchdowns worth of points for the fallen coach.

*Is "West Coast Death-fense" funnier? I didn't think so.

For the 'Late, Late' Tom Snyder, Life Imitates Career

Tom Snyder, affable host of "The Tomorrow Show," and the "Late, Late Show" has passed away after a long struggle with leukemia. Snyder last appeared on television in 1998, when he was replaced by Craig Kilborn.

Tom Snyder always seemed to me like a relatively normal celebrity who hadn't let fame get to him. He'd drink and smoke on-set, and laugh way too loud. His interviews always seemed off the cuff. My grandparents liked him. To folks of my era, he seemed a little curmudgeonly, a little out of touch, but he also seemed kind of like a nice uncle, with whom you might not agree politically, but with whom you could have a friendly conversation during the holidays.

I always found his catchphrase to be original and fun: "Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air." OK, so it's a phrase written by a guy who was born before television existed. At least it's a little more thought-provoking than, "Seacrest, OUT."

Snyder was 71. Deathwatchers did not anticipate the cancellation of Snyder's life, and missed out on 29 points. Craig Kilborn will be moving into Snyder's house and having sex with his widow by sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Snyder Scores Exclusive Interview with Satan

Tom Snyder, former host of both Tomorrow on NBC and The Late, Late Show on CBS scooped all of his network peers by landing the first one-on-one interview with Satan since Jesus sat down with the Head Demon for a chat about temptation.

Snyder, who hadn't had a regular TV gig since CBS ousted him in favor of Craig Kilborne (?!?) in 1998, was ecstatic about this "get".

Asked what he had to do to get Satan to agree to an interview, Snyder replied, "Oh, I just had to die of Leukemia."

Members of DW2K7 didn't realize Snyder was pursuing this interview, so Snyder's 29 points go unclaimed.

Smart-Ass Prick Dies

Ingmar Bergman, that asshole director who thought he was so-o-o clever for putting that fricking scene in that fricking movie where Max Von Sydow beats Death at a game of goddamn chess, finally got what was coming to him. That's right, people. Y'see what you get when you try to make Death look like a chump who can't even beat an actor at a simple board game? Huh? You get Death.

You want to make it seem like any yutz soldier can stave off the inevitable because he knows how to castle? Well then look out, 'cause Death is going to come gunning for you. And, yeah, if my plate's a little full, it might take me forty-nine years after the insult to get around to you, but make no mistake, I never forget someone who pisses me off.

So all I gotta say is, Michael Bay better not pull any similar kind of stunt. 'Cause I'll show him what's "more than meets the eye."

None of you DW2k7 schmucks had the foresight to know that Bergman was a marked man.

Tammy Faye Messner

Former televangelism superstar Tammy Faye Messner was called home by Jesus The Lord Almighty. One assumes it was because he was so enamoured of her "look" that he wanted her as an eye-liner consultant in heaven.

Having seen, and enjoyed, The Eyes of Tammy Faye, I'm actually a little less inclined to hurl invective at this lady than I am at other people who make themselves rich pretending to heal cripples and shouting about Christ with really shitty music in the background.

So I'll just say that Thanatos Therapeuticus scored a tidy little 35 points off of Tammy Faye's passing.

Lady Bird Johnson; First Lady, Genetic Freak

Scientists today completed an autopsy on former First Lady Lady Bird Johnson, who died this week at age 94, and determined that she was, in fact, half-woman and half-bird. Dr. Ezekiel Carmichael, a physiologist who worked on the case in conjunction with the Travis County Medical Examiner's office, commented, "Yeah, everyone thought it was just a nickname or something, but, as God is my witness, that old lady had hollow bones. I shit you not."

Dr. Carmichael says the medical team is now trying to determine if Mrs. Johnson was "...the product of early experiments in genetic manipulation or if her dad just boned a sparrow."

A spokesman for the Johnson family told the media on Thursday that Mrs. Johnson died after being chased around the living room by the family cat. At press time, the family was considering burying her in a large cardboard shoebox in the back yard.

Finger of Death and Salmon Mousse both score a whopping six points off of this terrible tragedy.

Fat Lady Sings Sang

Beverly Sills, best known for an appearance on The Muppet Show in 1979, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 78.

Although most Americans are not familiar with her work outside of The Muppet Show, Ms. Sills was, the Associated Press is saying, a singer of some sort. When asked if she'd ever performed with Justin Timberlake, a spokesman for Ms. Sills' estate began crying.

Whoever she was, Muppet-lovers across the country are in mourning for "that one guest who sang and shit. I think maybe her name was Shields? Or Yarnell? Pass me the bong."

No player on DW2K7 was aware enough of Ms. Sills' life to have predicted her death.

Benoit Murder/Suicide Called "Best WWE Plot Twist Yet"

Former WWE wrestler Chris Benoit was found dead Tuesday, the instigator of an apparent murder/suicide that may be the most exciting thing to happen to professional wrestling entertainment since WrestleMania. Hundreds of delinquent, illiterate teens gathered outside the police tape at Benoit's Fayetteville, Georgia home to cheer on their hero.

"He just always makes it look so real!" marvelled Tony Porter, a lifelong fan of Benoit's work and muscular physique.

"For them to have him whack his entire family with folding chairs--that's just great writing!" crowed Chuck Hanson, pumping his fist enthusiastically in the air, proudly displaying a sweat-stained wristband that Benoit himself threw into the crowd following his WCW World Heavyweight Championship win in 2000. "This is a helluva way for my man to stage his comeback!"

The growing throng of fans milled about, hoping to catch a further glimpse of the crime scene, as the sound of camera phones snapped in the air along with speculation: "Five bucks says that Booker T is behind this!" "I can't wait for McMahon to write the next chapter of this shit!"

Police investigators say that eyewitnesses "could have sworn" that the folding chairs actually DID hit their intended targets, but if the man wielding the chair was a "perfeshunnal wrassler" that maybe he did pull his punches a bit.

Anyone at DW2K7 could have jumped off the top rope for a whopping 120 points, but we didn't see it coming, since we know that steroids don't have an effect on mood and that wrestling is all totally real.