Maybe He Was Just Trying to Knock the Ugly Off of Her?

It's official. As of December 12, Ike really won't hit Tina no more. Ike Turner, musician drug abuser, band leader alcoholic, talent scout abusive husband and father, and record producer convict, died at the age of 76.

Rumor has it that Turner fell ill, though not dangerously so, but in a cruel twist of fate, died from overexertion when he tried in vain to violently backhand his hospital-visiting ex-wife.

Ike "discovered" Tina in the early 1960's and started her inexplicable rise to stardom. I use quotes around "discovered," because meeting Tina had to have been the same type of "discovery" one has when one has forgotten to flush the toilet after a violent bowel movement, only to come back hours later to find his/her own decomposing feces waiting for him/her. Thanks a lot for finding Tina, Ike. And by "thanks a lot," I mean, "Go fuck yourself."

Rock-n-Roll Suicide scores his first ever DeathWatch points (24) with Ike's welcome passing. Congratulations, RnR -- welcome to the big board!

Evel's Casket Modded So He May Continue to Fail for All Eternity

Evel Knievel passed away last week from complications of being a degenerate, drunk, Hepatitis C-ridden, faux-born-again one-trick-pony. When not busy miscalculating physics and grossly missing jumps (courtesy of a high school dropout's education,) the galactically stupid Knievel liked to drink, abuse women and/or children, vote members of the Bush family into public office, miss even MORE jumps, and overdose on painkillers.

While Knievel seemingly wasn't afraid of my grim touch, he appeared to be deathly afraid of how my boy, J.Christ, would view his seven decades of wasted life. Knowing death was coming soon, Evel was publicly "saved" in early 2007 on televangelist Robert H. Schuller's *cough* douche *cough* Hour of Power television program. I call bullshit. What a complete Nancy. So much for going out in a blaze of glory and leaving a pretty corpse.

Death By Creamy Liquid slurps down 31 points worth of marrow from the broken bones left from Knievel's crash landing into eternal Hell. Good riddance.

Please, Don't Squeeze the Reaper!

Actor Dick Wilson*, a.k.a. Charmin's anal-retentive, squeeze-o-phobic grocer, "Mr. Whipple," died last week at the age of 91. When not busy policing middle-aged women trying to cop a feel of his beloved toilet tissue, Wilson played forgettable parts in even more forgettable television shows. Wilson's character, Whipple, exhibited classic conservative Republican behavior in that he publicly railed against a particular behavior (in this case 'squeezing the Charmin') only to then particpate lustily in the forbidden frolic the moment nobody was looking. If only Whipple had known that while he was in there hugging his TP, he could have just tapped his foot under the stall divider...

Through the years, Wilson also did a recurring guest spot on Bewitched, which makes him the third dead alternate-lifestyles Dick from that show!

Nobody managed to 'squeeze' out the meager 9 points from his being 'wiped' out.

*Seriously, if I put a hyperlink in here, would ANYONE follow it?

Goulet Finally Nails Death Scene

"Entertainer" Robert Goulet has passed away at age 73. Acting coach and longtime friend Dr. Richard I. Chamberlain praised Goulet's new 'method' approach. "This time, he didn't ham it up as much as he usually does. In the past, he would crank out these excruciating death monologues. This time, the breathing tube really restricted him to something of a muted gurgle...very convincing...very 'noir.'"

The not-quite-French-Canadian baritone inexplicably became famous for his extremely limited acting and vocal ranges. Goulet's agent, Sheldon Krantz, speculated on Goulet's fame, "In those days, entertainment was filled with people who could actually sing and act. Hollywood really needed someone who could be a loud, over-the-top caricature all the time. America wanted someone who could act like a washed-up has-been before he had even 'been.' Robert provided all of those things...a talentless--yet arrogant--hack. I'll miss that bombastic shmuck."

Death will certainly interrupt Goulet's Halloween dark ritual of attempting to re-animate his career by consuming the souls of gifted actors and vocalists.

Halloween Reminds Me That Alice Ghostley Is Still Dead and That Nobody Ever Wrote a Story

Spookily-named actress Alice Ghostley has died, and in a perfect coincidence she died within 10 weeks of Halloween!

Ghostley played "Esmerelda" on Bewitched. Ghostley's claim to fame was that she once had sex with both Darrins (despite the homosexuality of one and the severe lower back problems of the other) simultaneously.

BadAssDan gobbles up the sweet sweet candy of her passing: 19 points for the 81-year-old witch. Watch your blood sugar, fool!

Boring Actress Dies Boring Death

Deborah Kerr, star of movies your mom tried to make you watch as a kid, died this week at age 86.

Ms. Kerr starred opposite Yul Brenner in The King & I. You remember that one. Had a bunch of vaguely Asian-looking people singing and you faked being sick so you could go read comic books in your room? She was also in From Here to Eternity. There was that scene where she and Burt Lancaster made out on a beach with the waves washing over them and you wondered how much sand got in their asscracks while shooting it. She was the female lead in An Affair to Remember, the one where your mom sat there with tissues in her hand the whole time and you fell asleep and woke up with drool all over your shirt.

In fact, the only reason you've ever even half paid attention to this lady is to offer your guess in the office debate over whether her name was pronounced like "car" or "cur." You were wrong by the way.

None of the DW2K7ers gave enough of a shit about Ms. Kerr to put her on their list. So she got from here to eternity without our help.

Rat Pack Reunited in Afterlife

With the death of comedian Joey Bishop, who passed away this week at the age of 89, Frank Sinatra's famed Rat Pack was finally reunited in heaven, where they quickly resumed treating Bishop like shit.

Asked to comment on his demise, Bishop said, "I had nine years of relative peace on earth; now I gotta listen to Dean Martin insulting me for eternity. I fucking hate heaven."

DW2K7 participant Kerberos scores a tidy 11 points for remembering that Bishop was still alive to die.

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

Host: Brett Somers is SOOOO dead. Crowd (in unison): How dead is she?

Host: She's so dead that her BLANK is starting to look lively in comparison.
Contestant: I'm gonna go with CAREER, Gene.

Brett Somers, 9-year Match Game panelist, actress, personal hag to recently-dead Charles Nelson Reilly and wife of soon-to-be-dead Jack Klugman, has died of stomach and colon cancer. She was 83 years old. Nobody in DeathWatch thought Somers was still alive, and hence all 17 of her points will stay up there in the top row, center seat.

As we bid farewell to our second Match Game regular of the year, you can almost feel the sweat building on the brow of the last living series regular, Richard Dawson. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you, Rich!

Opera Man...Bye Bye!*

Italian opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died today of pancreatic cancer, shocking millions of his fans who had just assumed he would one day die of a heart attack.


Defending Champion Roger Mortis and current leader Thanatos Therapeuticus both projected that the fat lady man would sing for Pavarotti in 2007. Out of respect, I'll say in sotto voce that they each get 29 points.

*How many of you recognize this reference?

Dark Lord Finally Calls In Marker on Rizzuto's Soul

More than a half a century ago, Phil Rizzuto sold his soul to the devil in a steal of a deal: seven World Series titles. Which just goes to show you how bad inflation has gotten when people like O.J. trade their souls in nowadays and only get a measly double-homicide acquittal.

Now look, I don't traffic in souls, I merely reap them when it's time. But between you and me, I think the Scooter's claim ticket must have fallen behind the counter down in H-E-double hockey sticks.

Speculation around the nether plane is that when Satan's beer league softball team fell two games behind the rival Christtown Jesuses, that Satan finally remembered to "draft" Scooter into eternal fiery service.

I haven't been this giddy since I painted blue skies and clouds on the side of the building that Cory Lidle slammed into last autumn. EFF THE YANKEES!!

Yankee-hater and former shortstop Kerberos finally breaks out of his slump and earns a robust 11 points for knowing that Rizzuto had Holied his last Cow.

Explain to Me, Please...

...exactly how the living hell this happens?

Merv Griffin died today. 82 years old, famous for both his eponymous talk show and for creating both Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy (in addition to actually writing the "Final Jeopardy" theme music itself.)

How in God's name is it possible that nobody among the DW2K7 players had this guy picked? Someone like Beverly Sills, I can see. 'Cause who gives a damn about opera. But Merv? How could we not have seen this one coming?

I am baffled. Anyway, as Mr. Griffin shuffles off to sit on the guest couch on God's talk show, the 18 points he left behind go unclaimed.

Bill Walsh Pioneers "Death Ghost Offense*" Scheme

Bill Walsh, considered by some to be one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, died of leukemia today at age 75. Walsh was noted for innovation and quick results on the field. As good as he was between the lines, the people who knew him best say he was not to be outdone by his peers in life off the gridiron, either.

"Walsh wanted to die the way he lived; doing things on his terms and by his timetable." said Jerry Rice, a former Walsh player with the 49ers, "Bill heard that other old coaches had lived too long, lingering well into their 90's before dying. Not Bill Walsh. He was having none of that."

Working toward his own end, in 2005, Walsh devised a revolutionary end-of-life scheme that mixed strong, powerful diseases with short, conservative treatments; two strategies that had never been combined before, but which produced immediate results.

Joe Montana, the quarterback of the Walsh-built San Francisco 49ers, said of his coach, "Bill made us proud today. Two years ago, he was perfectly healthy, and now, only months later, BOOM, here we are."

Deathwatchers missed out on almost four touchdowns worth of points for the fallen coach.

*Is "West Coast Death-fense" funnier? I didn't think so.

For the 'Late, Late' Tom Snyder, Life Imitates Career

Tom Snyder, affable host of "The Tomorrow Show," and the "Late, Late Show" has passed away after a long struggle with leukemia. Snyder last appeared on television in 1998, when he was replaced by Craig Kilborn.

Tom Snyder always seemed to me like a relatively normal celebrity who hadn't let fame get to him. He'd drink and smoke on-set, and laugh way too loud. His interviews always seemed off the cuff. My grandparents liked him. To folks of my era, he seemed a little curmudgeonly, a little out of touch, but he also seemed kind of like a nice uncle, with whom you might not agree politically, but with whom you could have a friendly conversation during the holidays.

I always found his catchphrase to be original and fun: "Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air." OK, so it's a phrase written by a guy who was born before television existed. At least it's a little more thought-provoking than, "Seacrest, OUT."

Snyder was 71. Deathwatchers did not anticipate the cancellation of Snyder's life, and missed out on 29 points. Craig Kilborn will be moving into Snyder's house and having sex with his widow by sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Snyder Scores Exclusive Interview with Satan

Tom Snyder, former host of both Tomorrow on NBC and The Late, Late Show on CBS scooped all of his network peers by landing the first one-on-one interview with Satan since Jesus sat down with the Head Demon for a chat about temptation.

Snyder, who hadn't had a regular TV gig since CBS ousted him in favor of Craig Kilborne (?!?) in 1998, was ecstatic about this "get".

Asked what he had to do to get Satan to agree to an interview, Snyder replied, "Oh, I just had to die of Leukemia."

Members of DW2K7 didn't realize Snyder was pursuing this interview, so Snyder's 29 points go unclaimed.

Smart-Ass Prick Dies

Ingmar Bergman, that asshole director who thought he was so-o-o clever for putting that fricking scene in that fricking movie where Max Von Sydow beats Death at a game of goddamn chess, finally got what was coming to him. That's right, people. Y'see what you get when you try to make Death look like a chump who can't even beat an actor at a simple board game? Huh? You get Death.

You want to make it seem like any yutz soldier can stave off the inevitable because he knows how to castle? Well then look out, 'cause Death is going to come gunning for you. And, yeah, if my plate's a little full, it might take me forty-nine years after the insult to get around to you, but make no mistake, I never forget someone who pisses me off.

So all I gotta say is, Michael Bay better not pull any similar kind of stunt. 'Cause I'll show him what's "more than meets the eye."

None of you DW2k7 schmucks had the foresight to know that Bergman was a marked man.

Tammy Faye Messner

Former televangelism superstar Tammy Faye Messner was called home by Jesus The Lord Almighty. One assumes it was because he was so enamoured of her "look" that he wanted her as an eye-liner consultant in heaven.

Having seen, and enjoyed, The Eyes of Tammy Faye, I'm actually a little less inclined to hurl invective at this lady than I am at other people who make themselves rich pretending to heal cripples and shouting about Christ with really shitty music in the background.

So I'll just say that Thanatos Therapeuticus scored a tidy little 35 points off of Tammy Faye's passing.

Lady Bird Johnson; First Lady, Genetic Freak

Scientists today completed an autopsy on former First Lady Lady Bird Johnson, who died this week at age 94, and determined that she was, in fact, half-woman and half-bird. Dr. Ezekiel Carmichael, a physiologist who worked on the case in conjunction with the Travis County Medical Examiner's office, commented, "Yeah, everyone thought it was just a nickname or something, but, as God is my witness, that old lady had hollow bones. I shit you not."

Dr. Carmichael says the medical team is now trying to determine if Mrs. Johnson was "...the product of early experiments in genetic manipulation or if her dad just boned a sparrow."

A spokesman for the Johnson family told the media on Thursday that Mrs. Johnson died after being chased around the living room by the family cat. At press time, the family was considering burying her in a large cardboard shoebox in the back yard.

Finger of Death and Salmon Mousse both score a whopping six points off of this terrible tragedy.

Fat Lady Sings Sang

Beverly Sills, best known for an appearance on The Muppet Show in 1979, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 78.

Although most Americans are not familiar with her work outside of The Muppet Show, Ms. Sills was, the Associated Press is saying, a singer of some sort. When asked if she'd ever performed with Justin Timberlake, a spokesman for Ms. Sills' estate began crying.

Whoever she was, Muppet-lovers across the country are in mourning for "that one guest who sang and shit. I think maybe her name was Shields? Or Yarnell? Pass me the bong."

No player on DW2K7 was aware enough of Ms. Sills' life to have predicted her death.

Benoit Murder/Suicide Called "Best WWE Plot Twist Yet"

Former WWE wrestler Chris Benoit was found dead Tuesday, the instigator of an apparent murder/suicide that may be the most exciting thing to happen to professional wrestling entertainment since WrestleMania. Hundreds of delinquent, illiterate teens gathered outside the police tape at Benoit's Fayetteville, Georgia home to cheer on their hero.

"He just always makes it look so real!" marvelled Tony Porter, a lifelong fan of Benoit's work and muscular physique.

"For them to have him whack his entire family with folding chairs--that's just great writing!" crowed Chuck Hanson, pumping his fist enthusiastically in the air, proudly displaying a sweat-stained wristband that Benoit himself threw into the crowd following his WCW World Heavyweight Championship win in 2000. "This is a helluva way for my man to stage his comeback!"

The growing throng of fans milled about, hoping to catch a further glimpse of the crime scene, as the sound of camera phones snapped in the air along with speculation: "Five bucks says that Booker T is behind this!" "I can't wait for McMahon to write the next chapter of this shit!"

Police investigators say that eyewitnesses "could have sworn" that the folding chairs actually DID hit their intended targets, but if the man wielding the chair was a "perfeshunnal wrassler" that maybe he did pull his punches a bit.

Anyone at DW2K7 could have jumped off the top rope for a whopping 120 points, but we didn't see it coming, since we know that steroids don't have an effect on mood and that wrestling is all totally real.

Bob Evans: Dead on the Farm

Restauranteur/sadistic pig-killer Bob Evans died today of complications from pneumonia. Mr. Evans turned a tiny southern-Ohio truck stop into a nation-wide chain of meat-purveying breakfast joints that clogged his bank account with cash just like his food clogged his customers' arteries.

A spokesman for the Evans family said that Mr. Evan's small intestines will be cleaned out and stuffed with sage-laden pork bits to be served at the next family barbecue in accordance with his will. The family anticipates that Mr. Evans will be delicious.

No Deathwatch 2007 players had the foresight to anticipate the death of a man whose name is synonymous with fatty foods.

Waldheim Goose-Steps Into Oblivion

For some men, the honor and glory of having their peers elect them to the captaincy of their VFW bowling team is a dream beyond their puny reach. Others achieve international recognition and yearn for still more. Such a man was Kurt Waldheim. A career diplomat, Mr. Waldheim was eventually elected to the post of Secretary-General of the United Nations, a job that carries with it incredible importance and comes with a dental plan and every other Friday off. But this was not enough for our ambitious Austrian. No, when his time at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza was up, Waldheim returned home and ran a successful campaign for the Austrian presidency, largely on a campaign promise to put more wiener in the wiener schnitzel. Then, at the height of his career, someone took a big steaming shit on his legacy by outing Waldheim as a former Nazi. Funny how a little thing like that comes back to bite you in the ass.

Anyway, Waldheim kicked it this week. He died of apparent heart failure at 88. The Waldheim family vehemently denies that Mr. Waldheim died while jacking it to the "Lonely Goatherd" scene in The Sound of Music.

Roger Mortis scores twelve beautiful points off the corpse of this dead Nazi.

Charles Nelson Reilly is BLANK.

Charles Nelson Reilly, the Tony-winning comic actor who once held the title of "Gayest Man on the Planet" (he was succeeded by Richard Simmons), has died at age 76. Reilly is probably best known to children of the 70's as a frequent panelist on the television show Match Game. Let us be clear: in the history of mankind, nobody made sexual double entendre like this man did. We have lost a legend.

While he credits game show appearances with ending his acting career, it was pneumonia that ultimately ended his life. One can take some solace in knowing that Reilly lived long enough to see Jerry Falwell (a.k.a. The Assmaster General) die.

Long before yukking it up in the top row with his own personal hag Brett Somers, the most flamboyantly gay man ever seen on television had already set Broadway on fire. In 1962, he won the Tony award for his role in the play "How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying."

Fittingly, Death By Creamy Liquid chose Reilly to match the Grim Reaper in the final round of his life, and will earn 24 points.

Falwell DEAD: Thinking People Around the World Rejoice!

OK, look. If you liked Jerry Fallwell, let me first invite you to have rough, spiteful sex with yourself! Done with that? Then allow me to politely ask that you never return to my site. Seriously, bugger off.

With that out of the way, I am so psyched that this holier-than-thou sh1tpiece of a man has finally done us all a favor and stopped breathing. This human butt-plug made it his personal mission to make up fairy tales in order to fleece the innocent and simple-minded.

If you aren't familiar with FuckKnuckles McGee, as his friends called him, here are some of his greatest hits:
(Keep in mind that these are things that he said OUT LOUD...what is he keeping to himself?)
*Falwell asserted that when The Antichrist ("The Beast") comes, he "must be, of necessity, a Jewish male"

*During the Civil Rights Movement Falwell was a supporter of racial segregation. He said this about Martin Luther King, "I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King..."

*As for homosexuality, Falwell remarked, "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals."

And that's just scratching the surface of his insane assholery.

Sure, there are plenty of uneducated buffoons with the above beliefs, but this pigfucker actually acquired the means to perpetuate these views through a "school" called Liberty University. Liberty University is the Taliban of colleges. When one steps on campus at Liberty, one expects John Lithgow to jump out from the bushes and stop everyone from dancing. Calling Liberty University a school is like calling The Third Reich a social club. Paying tuition to Liberty U. is akin to paying $14,000 per year to eat endless buckets brimming with human feces.

Falwell disgraced humankind on this earth for 73 years. Thanatos Therapeuticus knew that Jerry would be "called home" this year. Our resident master of death therapy picked six evangelists this year. I hope he goes six for six.

27 points for T.T.'s excellent call!

*Yawn*

Would someone effing die already? It's been two weeks since anything interesting happened. Accidental overdose anyone? Freak car/plane/tricycle accident? Hunting trip with Dick Cheney?

Seriously, I've got a fever and the only cure is more cowbell death.

A Grim Reaper TwoForTuesday: Two Toms to Tomtom in a Too-Tight Tommy Tomb Tonight

Tom Poston Needed a New Hart?
Poston, the classic everyman performer best known for his performances on Mork & Mindy and Newhart has died at the age of 85. Oddly enough, Tom and Suzanne Pleshette got married a few years back simply because they were each the only living people that either of them knew. That Poston always would nail anything with a heartbeat...though I've seen corpses that are way hotter than Pleshette has been since about half past menopause.

Tommy Newsom-thing Was Wrong When There was Copius Blood in His Urine!
The subsitute band leader for The Tonight Show, Newsom was ironically dubbed "Mr Excitement" by Johnny Carson for his calm demeanor. Newsom was once quoted as saying, "Sorry, Johnny, that I didn't wear the gayest sequined coats on the planet like your flip boy Doc!" Newsom, 78, died of both liver AND bladder cancer. Gee, I wonder if this guy ever hit the sauce? Or perhaps Tommy never actually imbibed, but rather was slain by secondhand gin fumes blasted from the business end of raging alcoholic Doc Severinsen's trumpet?


Despite my generosity at giving you folks a twin spin, nobody put in a request for either of these dead stacks o' wax.

Boris Dies, Natasha Vows to Continue Hunt for Moose and Squirrel

Former Russian Leader Boris Yeltsin has died of heart failure at the age of 76.

When not busy swilling vodka or wearing fur, Yeltsin gulped down spoonfuls of lard, in an attempt to achieve complete coronary artery blockage with simultaneous Absolut liver shutdown. Sadly, his heart gave out while his liver was still 4% functional.

Roger Mortis scores 24 points by choosing our Smirnoff-soaked statesman stiff and is starting to gain on the leaders!

"Tiny Bubbles" Burst: Ho's Heart Follows Suit

Don Ho died of heart failure in Hawaii on Saturday. I know that he sang "Tiny Bubbles." I know that he most likely sang some other stuff, but I have no idea what. I know that he is dead, and I know that he was 76. Somehow, though, he's famous enough from one crappy song from 40 years ago that everyone of a certain age knows who this guy is! Maybe it's from his guest appearances on Fantasy Island that we know him??

Don Imus reacted to the singer's death, saying, "Now that's one happy deaded Ho."

Defending Champion Roger Mortis and The Crippler score the second hit of the year and earn 24 points for our fallen ukelele hero.

"Dead"eye Kurt

Famed American author Kurt Vonnegut, 84, has died of brain injuries sustained in a recent fall. He wrote several excellent novels (in Death's humble opinion), including Slaughterhouse-Five, Breakfast of Champions, and Deadeye Dick. I liked him, so reaping him gave me no pleasure, nor do I have anything witty to say. Dying from brain injuries from a fall is a pretty shitty ending, though. He should get a re-write.

Death Outcoaches Eddie Robinson

Eddie Robinson, gridiron icon and legendary Grambling football coach, has passed at age 88. Throughout his extensive career, he broke both barriers (racial) and records (400 wins). Hell, the damn stadium at Grambling is named after him, an indication of his greatness. This regular guy from a small school produced over 200 NFL players!

This should have been an easy twelve, since he had Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, nobody but Jesus picked Coach in this draft.

Anna Nicole Can't Carry Rick James' Jock Strap

Anna Nicole is still dead, and the offical stance seems to be "accidental drug overdose." So we here at DW2K7 will not be doubling the points for Deady Money and Wednesday. Looks like you two will have to deal with a mere 61-point lead. That leaves a slight glimmer of hope for the rest of us! But enough about the score...

Let's take a moment to look at the NINE drugs found in Anna Nicole's big-titted corpse:
*acetaminophen --big deal
*diphenhydramine (Benadryl) -- again, who cares?
*clonazepam (Klonopin) - sedative
*lorazepam (Ativan) - anti-anxiety
*diazepam (Valium) - anti-anxiety
*topiramate (Topomax) - sedative/anti-convulsant
*meprobamate - sedative
*ciprofloxacin (Cipro) - anti-bacterial agent
*methocarbamol (Robaxin) - sedative, expectorant

That's not counting traces of
*methadone
*B12
*HGH

So maybe you think nine sounds like a big number. Yet there's really nothing to write home about in there. You could probably find Benadryl and acetaminophen in most of my readers, and the others are all "calming" drugs. So she was a little too nervous, a little too fat, and a little too awake, so she binged on prescription meds and took vitamin/hormone shots in the ass until she died. Boo hoo.

Is nine drugs an impressive number? Dead performer Rick James didn't think so. The "SuperFreak" himself waited for our freshly-dead bombshell at the "Pearly Gates," pimp-slapping her upside the head for "half-assing" her overdose. It's not that he's mad at her, it's just that Rick James had been around, and knew how to PAR-TAY. Consider the nine drugs in Rick's system at the time of his untimely demise:

*alprazolam (Xanax)
*diazepam (Valium)
*bupropion (Wellbutrin)
*citalopram (Celexa) - anti-depressant
*hydrocodone (Vicodin)
*digoxin (heart medicine)
*chlorpheniramine (serotonin inhibitor)
*methamphetamine
*cocaine

Now THAT magnificent-but-now-dead bastard knew how to GET DOWN! Vikes, coke, meth -- hardcore all the way. Anna Nicole is a feeble bush-league copycat compared to the original 9-drug-overdoser!

RIP, SuperFreak...RIP.

Bowie Kuhn Goes Down Looking. Nobody Cares.

Former Major League Baseball Commish Bowie Kuhn took a respiratory called strike three today (heart problem, heart surgery, lung problems--YER OUT!)

No score.

Yawn.

2007--The Year of the Suicide?

It's taken a while, but in 2007, suicide has become trendy! You're nobody until you've at least attempted to take your own life!

It's only March and we've got alleged attempted hangings, alleged attempted drownings, attempted drug overdoses, gunshots to the face and CO poisoning! When will the madness end? We're almost to the point where guys will just start indiscriminately sleeping with Courtney Love!

Self-destruction is in the air. And Anna Nicole's death method hasn't even been ruled on yet! Plus, you've got the Olson twins cruising around Europe on heroin and ExLax. You've got Britney playing musical rehabs. Lindsay Lohan could snap at any moment

2007 looks like it will be the first year in which the DW suicide bonus will be redeemed! Life Death is beautiful!

Brad Delp, Lead Singer of 70's Band Boston, Closes His Eyes and Slips Away.

Brad Delp the man behind the powerful, high-pitched vocals of 70's rock band, Boston, passed away of undisclosed causes this week.

Delp, described by nearly everyone as "the nicest guy in rock-n-roll," was engaged to be married to his longtime girlfriend this summer, during what would have been a break in a busy touring schedule with Boston.

Nobody on DW2K7 had "More Than a Feeling" that the 55-year-old lead singer would pass this year.

EDIT: MARCH 15, SUICIDE! Delp sealed himself into a bathroom with two charcoal grills that were both "Smokin!" and the CO finished him off...he even left two suicide notes. So that's 90 points left on the back burner.

Richard Jeni has had bad aim.

Suicide was apparently not painless for comedian Richard Jeni last night. Pulling the trigger on his own face, the funnyman didn't quite complete the job correctly, leaving himself alive until he arrived at the hospital.

O.K., so he earned some cred from me by using a gun (no false attempts at O.D.'ing or hanging--Britney, I'm looking your way here...) So I guess we have to assume that he just missed a point-blank shot at a stationary target? I don't mean to disparage the man's final act, but if reports are right, he shot himself in the face. Wouldn't you go for the roof of the mouth or the temple? Or are those just movie cliches?

The 49-year-old comedian would have delivered a 98-point punchline for DeathWatchers, but none of us bought a ticket to Jeni's final set.

"Cap" gets capped

Steve Rogers, better known by his superhero moniker Captain America, was shot and killed on the steps of the New York Federal Courthouse, reports The Daily Bugle. Rogers suffered several gunshot wounds from an unknown assailant, likely a sniper perched atop one of the adjacent buildings. 'Cap', as he was affectionately known, owed his powers to a super soldier serum given to him as part of the secret military project known as Operation: Rebirth. The hero, who at one time had battled the NAZI war machine and the terrorist cell lead by The Red Skull, was in the custody of U.S. Marshals at the time of the shooting. An opponent to the recent Superhuman Registration Act, he was a fugitive, but had turned himself in out of fear that innocent civilians were being hurt by his rebellion.

Rogers has never been married and has no known living relatives. He was 66.

The DeathWatchers may have Marveled over the loss of this classic crime fighter, but none of them dared include them in their list. This may have something to do with him being a fictional character.

Dennis Johnson Couldn't Face Life Without "The O.C."

Former NBA great Dennis "DJ" Johnson died of unknown causes on Thursday at the age of 52. How good was this guy? Larry Bird called him "the best I ever played with." Not too shabby for a kid who literally came up straight outta Compton.

In recent years, DJ had been coaching teams in the NBA's developmental league. It was at the end of a practice for his current team, the Austin Toros, that Johnson collapsed and died.

Some may think it was a stroke or some such physical malady that killed DJ. Sources close to Johnson know the real story: when he realized that he'd see no more new episodes, he knew that even he didn't have the courage to face a post-O.C. world. Frankly, I'm surprised there weren't more O.C.-related deaths yesterday. Will Seth and Summer get married? Which show will debut new songs from aspiring hip young artists now? Sweet Christ, I'm trembling as I type this with just the thought of all the questions left unanswered.

Nobody from "The D.W." hit this surprising passing, clanging 48 points right off the front iron.

Symphony of (Self-) Destruction

It looks like three of you were smart enough to portend the end for troubled pop princess Britney Spears. I'm not saying she's dead...YET...but, Andrew Cunanan thinks this chick is suicidal. Kurt Cobain mentioned that she might need a little professional help.

To review the past couple of years: marriage to a loser, weight gain, childbirth, child endangerment, alcoholism, divorce, childbirth, clubbing with Paris, exposing labia to the world, drugs, rehab for a day, more alcoholism, head shaving, custody of kids now in danger, wigs, back in rehab.

There are still eleven months left for this to develop this year! It's not that I want to reap her soul (if there is one there to reap). I'm just saying there's certainly a volatility there that was worth betting on.

I've been disappointed before, though. Tom Sizemore has let me down so many times that I finally left him off my list this year. Damn you Sizemore. Damn you straight to Hell.

Suicide is Painless

After yesterday's tragic (though clearly predictable) death of Anna Nicole Smith, many questions remain. What will happen to her poor daughter, what will happen to her myriad court cases, was she married to Howard K. Stern? The most important question to the sick bastards of DW2K7 is: Did she do it on purpose?

Let me first say that there is not yet official word on the death of Anna Nicole Smith. However, several sources are reporting that Anna had attempted suicide a couple of times in recent months while living in the Bahamas. One attempt is being reported as drowning herself in a swimming pool.

In the history of DeathWatch, the suicide bonus has never been given out. The DW2K7 rules state that an accidental drug overdose does not count as a suicide. There has to be some sort of proof of intent to harm oneself. I think if there had been a suicide note, that we would have heard about it by now.

All that being said, I think the most prudent thing to do in terms of scoring will be to wait and see what the police rule it. If she ingested 30 times the dosage that it would take to kill a person (or some amount that couldn't possibly be accidental), that, combined with alleged recent suicide attempts, may be enough to give out the bonus points.


The game hangs in the balance here in the first week (122 points would almost certainly make this a 2-horse race), so the Board of Deathmasters will not take any ruling lightly.

Any comments are welcome.
Grim Reaper

Death: The Ultimate Weight-Loss Plan

Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy playmate whose bizarre life careened from marrying an octogenarian billionaire to the untimely death of her son, died Thursday after collapsing at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino. She was 39.

Both Wednesday and Deady Money "liked her [dead] body" and earned themselves a hefty 61 points (or a possible 122 points if ruled a suicide, pending police investigation).

Current Scores

Last Edited: Jan 29, 2007 (Allan Melvin, a.k.a. "Sam the Butcher")
1st Thanatos Therapeuticus 91
2nd Roger Mortis 89
3rd Deady Money 61
3rd Wednesday 61
5th Death by Creamy Liquid 55
6th The Crippler 24
6th Rock'n'Roll Suicide 24
8th Kerberos 22
9th BadAssDan 19
10th Grim Reaper 16*
11th Salmon Mousse 6
11th Finger of Death 6

*most recent scorer

ALL OTHER LOSERS ARE TIED FOR LAST AT ZERO:
B. Reaved
He Gone!
Kiss of Death
The Oracle
R.I.P.
Raszul
Sal Monella
The Shadow
Suicide By Douche
Ted Kennedy's Driving Instructor

Grim Reaper's Deathlist

Allan Melvin DEAD @ 84
Russell Johnson
Harry Morgan
Jack Klugman
Karl Malden
Dick Van Patten
Fyvush Finkel
Louie Anderson
Robert Byrd
Bob Feller
George Allen "PAT" Summerall
David Crosby
Dr. Jack Kevorkian
Artie Lange
Kirk Douglas
Fidel Castro
Charlton Heston
Andy Rooney
Roger Ebert
Abe Vigoda

Finger of Death's Deathlist

Lady Bird Johnson DEAD @ 94
Fidel Castro
O.J. Simpson
Robert Byrd
Robert McNamara
Hugo Chavez
Ravi Shankar (THE Sitar Player)
Lester William Poifus (Les Paul)
Boy George O'Dowd
Yogi Berra
Abe Vigoda
Phyllis Diller
Joe Paterno
Betty White
Harry Morgan
Conrad Bain
Courtney Love
Kevin Federline
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Paul Newman

R.I.P.'s Deathlist

Jim Bakker
David Blaine
Wilford Brimley
Bobby Brown
Dick Clark
Phyllis Diller
Kirk Douglas
Betty Ford
Andy Griffith
Robert Guillaime
Steven Hawking
Lena Horne
Wink Martindale
Liza Minelli
Joe Paterno
Yves Saint Laurent
J.D. Salinger
Mike Tyson
Abe Vigoda
Henry Winkler

B. Reaved's Deathlist

Woody Allen
Tom Bosley
Fidel Castro
Bill Cosby
Brian Dennehy
James Garner
Billy Graham
James Earl Jones
Jack Kevorkian
Meadowlark Lemmon
Rich Little
Willie Mays
Paul Newman
Leonard Nimoy
Manuel Noriega
Charlotte Rae
Nancy Reagan
Della Reese
David Spade
Joseph Wapner

Wednesday's Deathlist

Sherwood Schwartz
Billy Graham
Nicole Richie
John Goodman
Andy Rooney
Fidel Castro
James Garner
Rip Taylor
John Paul Stevens
Howard Metzenbaum
Margaret Thatcher
Muhammad Ali
Frank Gifford
John Forsythe
Vern Troyer
Art Linkletter
Dick Cheney
Anna Nicole Smith DEAD @ 39
Lee Iacocca
Charlton Heston

Suicide By Douche's Deathlist

John Madden
Liza Minnelli
Joe Walsh
Bob Barker
Peter Falk
Michael J. Fox
Jon Lovitz
Ted Kennedy
B.B. King
Mary-Kate Olsen
Courtney Love
Horatio Sanz
Al Davis
Art Modell
Dick Clark
Nicole Richie
Fidel Castro
Bea Aurthur
Farrah Fawcett
Charlton Heston

Raszul's Deathlist

Bob Feller
Chemical Ali
Bobby Doerr
Dick Van Dyke
Jerry Van Dyke
Maucalay Calkin
Fidel Castro
Aretha Franklin
Mickey Rooney
Tim Conway
B.B. King
Jerry Lewis
Mark Aguirre
George Foreman
Robert Guillaume
Don Cornelius
Yogi Berra
Adam West
Jimmy Carter
George H. Bush

Rock'n'Roll Suicide's Deathlist

Fidel Castro
Bobcat Golthwait
Muhammad Ali
Michael J. Fox
Betty Ford
Dick Cheney
BB King
Charleton Heston
Goerge Wendt
Pervez Musharaff
Dick Clark
Margaret Thatcher
Lee Iacocca
Blake Edwards
Ike Turner DEAD @ 76
David Crosby
Anne Coulter
Andy Rooney
Mary Kate Olson
Jesse Helms

Kerberos' Deathlist

Conrad Bain
James Best
Joey Bishop DEAD @ 89
Sid Caesar
Ann B. Davis
Kirk Douglas
Peter Falk
Andy Griffith
Charlton Heston
Harvey Korman
Al Molinaro
Harry Morgan
Jim Nabors
Charlotte Rae
Nancy Reagan
Jean Stapleton
Jonathan Winters
Edwin Meese III
Phil Rizzuto DEAD @ 89
Joseph Wapner

Deady Money's Deathlist

Jim Nabors
Jack Klugman
Betty Ford
Anna Nicole Smith DEAD @ 39
B. B. King
Nolan Ryan
Kirk Douglas
Charles Manson
Fidel Castro
Jerry Lewis
Muhammad Ali
Dick Clark
David Crosby
Pat Summerall
“Superstar” Billy Graham
W. Mark Felt
Ronnie Biggs
“Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Al Molinaro
John Forsythe

BadAssDan's Deathlist

Farrah Fawcett
George Wendt
Joe Namath
Andrew Lloyd Webber
James Whitmore
Jonathan Winters
Richard Dawson
Sandy Koufax
BB King
Jackie Cooper
Henry Hill
Annette Funicello
Bob McGrath (Bob from Sesame Street)
Hugh Downs
Alice Ghostley DEAD @ 81
Andy Griffith
Phil Donahue
Dwight Gooden
Bob Dylan
Fidel Castro

Defending Champion Roger Mortis' Deathlist

Fidel Castro
Fats Domino
Kirk Douglas
Louis Farrakhan
Billy Graham
Jesse Helms
Charlton Heston
Don Ho DEAD @ 76
George Kennedy
B.B. King
Jack Klugman
Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah (leader of Hezbollah)
Luciano Pavarotti DEAD @ 71
Teddy Pendergrass
Steve-O
Margaret Thatcher
Mike Tyson
Kurt Waldheim DEAD @ 88
Boris Yeltsin DEAD @ 76
Ayman al-Zawahiri

The Oracle's Deathlist

Dick Clark
Tom Jones
Little Richard
Dick Cheney
Todd Bridges
Muhammed Ali
Michael J. Fox
Bobby Brown
Whitney Houston
Paul Newman
Kirk Douglas
Walter Cronkite
Stephen Hawking
Robert Downey, Jr.
Charlton Heston
Billy Graham
Eunice Kennedy Shriver
Nicole Richie
Maurice Clarrett
Clint Eastwood

He Gone! 's Deathlist

B.B. King
Studs Terkel
Muhammad Ali
Haley Joel Osment
Fidel Castro
Roger Ebert
Pete Doherty
Ali Hassan al-Majeed (Chemical Ali)
George Wendt
Bea Arthur
George Ryan
Jeffrey Skilling
Magic Johnson
Ayman al-Zawahiri
Don Rickles
Mark Felt
Colin Farrell
Aretha Franklin
John Goodman
Bam Margera

Ted Kennedy's Driving Instructor's Deathlist

Larry Flynt
Hugh Hefner
Kirk Douglas
Muhammad Ali
Elizabeth Taylor
Shane McGowen
Vern Troyer
Annette Funicello
Fidel Castro
Dick Clark
50 Cent
Britney Spears
Tom Sizemore
Jerry Lewis
Margaret Thatcher
Tammy Fae Bakker
Estelle Getty
Courtney Love
Don Imus
Sally Struthers

Death by Creamy Liquid's Deathlist

Osama bin Laden
Verne Troyer
David Crosby
Russell Johnson
Harry Morgan
Ted Johnson (former Pats linebacker)
Eddie Van Halen
Charles Nelson Reilly DEAD @ 76
Della Reese
William “The Refrigerator” Perry
Fidel Castro
Dwight Gooden
Evel Knievel DEAD @ 69
Roger Ebert
Tommy Chong
Stan Lee
Paul Williams
Blake Edwards
Billy Graham
Tim Johnson (the Senator from South Dakota)

The Crippler's Deathlist

Hary Morgan
Nichelle Nichols
Fidel Castro
Kylie Minogue
Kirk Douglas
Tommy Lasorda
Billy Graham
Jerry Lewis
Don Ho DEAD @ 76
Muhammad Ali
Tony Curtis
Dick Clark
Betty Ford
Tim Conway
Jack Klugman
Simon Cowell
Doug Fieger
Farrah Fawcett
John Forsythe
Terri Garr

Thanatos Therapeuticus' Deathlist

Lindsay Lohan
Justin Timberlake
Oral Roberts
Steve Jobs
Tammy Faye (Bakker) Messner DEAD @ 65
Luciano Pavaroti DEAD @ 71
Ernest Angley
Billy Graham
Jesse Helms
Jerry Falwell DEAD @ 73
Diego Maradona
Whitney Houston
Phil Kessel
Jason Becker
Jack Kevorkian
BB King
George Jones
Glenn Campbell
Fidel Castro
Farah Fawcett

Salmon Mousse's Deathlist

BB King
Jack Klugman
Mike Wallace
Courtney Love
Dick Cheney
Betty Ford
Queen Elizabeth II
Abe Vigoda
Stephen Hawking
50 Cent
Willie Mays
Studs Terkel
John Mellencamp
Wilford Brimley
Muhammad Ali
Peter O'Toole
Phyllis Diller
Kirk Douglas
Fidel Castro
Lady Bird Johnson DEAD @ 94

Kiss of Death's Deathlist

Muhammad Ali
Lauren Bacall
Fidel Castro
Dick Clark
Sean Connery
Barry Corbin
Walter Cronkite
Roger Ebert
Lou Gosset Jr.
Larry Hagman
Monty Hall
Angela Landsbury
Robert Loggia
Peter O'Toole
Sidney Poiter
Nancy Reagan
J.D. Salinger
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper
Paul Sorvino
Brian Wilson

The Shadow's Deathlist

Mickey Rooney
Charlotte Rae
Horatio Sanz
Ruby Dee
Ruth Buzzi
Edward Albee
Lauren Bacall
Elizabeth Taylor
Doris Day
Dick Van Dyke
George Jones
Phil Everly
Chuck Berry
Leon Redbone
Fidel Castro
Lindsay Lohan
John Glenn
Andy Griffith
Abe Vigoda
O.J. Simpson

Sal Monella's Deathlist

BB King
Bea Aurther
Ben Kingsley
Bettie Page
Fidel Castro
Dane Cook
Danny Pintauro
Dick Clark
Elizabeth Taylor
Farrah Fawcet
Gabe Kaplan
Gavin Macleod
Gene Wilder
Kirk Douglas
Lauren Bacall
Lindsay Lohan
Louis Farrakhan
Martin Landau
Michael J. Fox
Soupy Sales

DeathWatch 2007 Rules and FAQ

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I am proud to announce DeathWatch2007.
Here, mixed in with FAQ, are the rules:

WHAT DO I DO? Come up with 20 famous people who you believe will die this year. Send me the list (now) and ten U.S. dollars (later) for each entry. We can hook this up through PayPal or U.S. Mail. Send your list along with a code name, unless you want your real name splashed on the website of sick bastards who bet on the deaths of celebs.

WHO IS FAMOUS? The three-person Board of Deathmasters will review each list. A 2/3 majority must recognize either the name or achievement for the person to qualify as famous. For instance, Tiger Woods is famous enough on name recognition. On the other hand, while we may not all know the name 'Isabel Sanford,' we all certainly know who 'Weezy' from The Jeffersons was, so she would also have been a legitimate pick (were she not already dead.)

If a person is not deemed famous enough, you will get a chance to replace that name with no penalty. You should confirm that the person is ALIVE to begin with (we won't be checking that), otherwise you will have wasted a slot on someone who likely won't die a SECOND time in '07. (If you're careless enough to pick someone who is already dead, we won't let you replace that person...instead we'll make fun of you all year.) The celeb has to be a non-fictional living human being (you can't pick Johnny5 nor Lassie nor Optimus Prime (who, by the way, has cancer) )

WHO IS ALIVE ENOUGH TO PICK? You can't choose someone who is comatose/vegetative at the time of selection (e.g. Sharon, Schaivo). You may choose someone who is widely known to be ill, as long as that person is in a sentient condition. You CAN choose someone who is scheduled to die, but you will only get credit if that person dies of some OTHER METHOD OTHER THAN THAT SCHEDULED. To clarify, Jeffrey Dahmer was allowed to be picked, but you'd only score points for him if he, say, was murdered in prison before his scheduled death, which he was. Another example: Sadaam Hussein was convicted, sentenced to die, then executed all in the same year--so the person who picked him got the points, because Hussein was not scheduled to die at the start of the year. Get it?

WHAT IS DEATH? Just to be clear, only ACTUAL pulselessness will count as death. If they're on LIFE support even though brain dead, they are still ALIVE for purposes of this contest. You can thank the ultra-conservatives for not allowing people to slip away with dignity. This is a friendly reminder to get a living will drawn up.

HOW DO YOU SCORE? One hundred minus the age at death is your score for each person. People ninety-nine years or older will always count for one point. No negative points are possible. Double points are awarded for a suicide, and before you ask, we're talking about a note-leaving suicide, not a drug overdose, etc. For example: You choose an 80-year old man, he commits suicide, you get 20 points X 2 = 40 points.

WINNING AND TIEBREAKING: The person with the most points as of February 2nd 2008 wins all the money. (The last death that will count is one that happens before 11:59:59 PM on February 1st, 2008, though we wait a week to make sure that all obscure celeb deaths get reported before awarding the cash.) In the event of a tie, the player involved in the tie who has the largest single score wins (on rationale that the younger a person is, the harder it is to predict that death). In the event that there is still a tie, the person with the MOST death predictions wins . If there is still a tie after that, we'll split the pot.

DUE DATE? Now through February 1st. The game is locked on February 2, 2007. If you send me a list today and someone on it dies, you don't get credit for this game, because someone is getting credit for DW2K6 for that name. Although you won't get credit, you will get to replace that name with no hassle.

RESOURCES: DeathWatch2006 officially uses http://www.whosaliveandwhosdead.com/ as a resource for both generating lists and checking life status. If you read an obit of an obscure celeb (Whitman Mayo, 'Grady' from Sanford and Son comes to mind as an obscure one that trickled in late) please forward it on to me. Kerberos, Badass and I will be generating a list of everyone's current scores.

DISQUALIFICATION: Any attempt to CAUSE the death of a celebrity (either directly or through a conspiracy) will be be grounds for immediate disqualification, and the player will be turned in to the proper authorities. Attempting to have strenuous sex with a celebrity on your list may be construed as an attempt on their life, especially if you have a disease or if the celebrity is frail. Good luck!

DeathWatch 2007 blog is secured!

Welcome to a whole new year of death!
Lists are due by Feb. 1st!
--Grim